Book Report - It's Kind of a Funny Story

Title: It's Kind of a Funny Story
Authour: Ned Vizzini
Length: 444 pages
How long it took me to read: a week and a half

What it's about: Like many ambitious New York City teenagers, Craig Gilner sees entry into Manhattan's Executive Pre-Professional High School as the ticket to his future. Determined to succeed at life-which means getting into the right high school to get into the right college to get the right job-Craig studies night and day to ace the entrance exam, and does. That's when things start to get crazy.

The ending is the most important part: The ending was perfect. So hopeful, so joyous. Just lovely and perfect.

Last word: Read this book. Especially if you have or love someone with depression. This book was so excellent. I closed it with a satisfied smile on my face.

Spoilers after the jump

So. September Sucked.‏

I have decided that I hate September and I'm really mad about it.

Like, I can't believe it's already October 10. Wasn't it summer like two minutes ago?

Just when I made up with Snow, and Summer, now I have to break up with September. What's the deal? September used to be that month where you were all done with summer and ready for the new school year. Even after I was all done with school, I still used September as a renewal month to set new goals and look forward to a new year.

Now September is still hot and I'm not ready to let go of summer, but there's school and homework and routine and I'm not ready yet! How did September sneak up on me so fast? This summer went by too fast and it felt like we didn't do anything awesome. I wasn't ready for summer to leave this year and September was so weird. Hot one day, snowing the next. September, you were one moody beeotch this year. I guess I just got caught off guard this year, but it's been happening the last couple of years and it needs to stop.

I have found that February, April and September are the worst months for me. This has been bothering me for awhile, so of course I've been thinking and thinking and tossing it around in my brain for some time. I've come to the conclusion that one of the reasons that these months affect me so much is that they are so wonderful in BC and so not like that here in Utah. I'm trying so hard to bloom where I'm planted, but it's hard sometimes.

Since I'm whining about September, I'll talk about September and leave the other months for some other time. September in Vancouver is sunny, crisp, fall colours, and rain. You are instantly inspired to snuggle up in your tights and boots and sweaters. It is so beautiful. The weather changes, and it stays that way. There is none of this yo-yo scalding shorts and flip flops one day, snowing the next. There's too much whiplash weather here in the in-between seasons. In Vancouver you are eased into to the miserable weather and it rains a lot more. Here, it's summer one day, and winter the next. I hate it.

Did I mention I hate it? I had such a hard time this year. Getting into the routine of school and homework was like a slap in the face this year. Huey is doing a little better this year, but it's still a struggle. If I only had him to focus on, it would be okay, but Dewey is still at the point where I have to sit with him and listen to him read and help with math and by the time I'm done with all that, I'm too tired to fight with Huey.

I also struggled with finding time to do anything that gave me joy. I couldn't get myself inspired to blog, so I didn't make the time to write, and that was a bad idea. I've been composing this post in my head for three weeks, but just could never take the time to sit down and get it out of my brain. Reading seemed like such a drag too. I dunno if it was the book I was reading, or just the time of year, but the book was nice enough, I just couldn't get motivated to take the time to read when there were so many other things to do. Forget about sewing or doing anything else creative. My craft room looks like a bomb hit it and I just want to cry every time I think about it.

I just feel like time is racing away from me right now. Soon enough it will be Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. It feels like time is going faster and faster and I have no way of catching up. I need to take a break and regroup, but I'm so worried that if I even take the time to breathe, that so much time will have passed that I'll be even further behind!

I don't feel organized and on top of things. I can't stop to rest until my chores are done and I just can't get caught up. I need some peace and quiet so that I can get myself back in order, but time is racing by so quickly that I just don't have the time to get in order. I need to make the time, but I just can't figure out when!

Soundgarden Outshined

This song is of course now a classic and everyone knows this song and it's great and awesome and the best.

But there's this line:

I'm looking in the mirror
and things aren't looking so good...

This is exactly how depression feels. There have been times where I can't even look myself in the eye in the mirror. I see myself as if I'm outside of myself and I look like a complete stranger. Someone that I don't trust or know very well. It's very disconcerting to look in the mirror and not recognize yourself.

When I discovered this about myself I started forcing myself too look me in the eye. It was really, really hard at first. It scares me to admit this.

I am happy to say that I can look myself in the mirror more often now.

All the feelings that I'm feeling

Words can do a lot, and I'm pretty good with being able to get down on paper what I'm feeling, but I'm not quite sure I did it justice this time.

I have posted over here the results of Dewey's 5 year cancer check-up. Warning, I use real names and stuff, so if you don't want to know me that closely, don't go there. Just know that we are all good, I can breathe again even though I thought I was breathing just fine, and now we can finally move on with our lives even though I thought that we were already moving on with our lives.

I am so grateful.

Please don't abandon your Negative Friends

There seems to be this thing about abolishing negative people from your life: that they bring you down and poison you, and you should cut them out of your life. I am here to give you a different perspective.

I went through a really bad bought of depression recently. It lasted for over a year which was much longer than I thought was necessary. I was hopeless and numb and went back and forth between wanting to disappear and desiring to become invisible. I mostly just wanted to cease to exist. I wished that I had never been born. It was really hard for me to get out of bed and do the laundry and cook and clean and go to work and take care of the daily. I struggled a lot. I hated going out in public and had a hard time facing people. I couldn’t look anyone in the eye because I was so empty inside. I felt like a zombie. It was physically exhausting going to a social event; I would suffer anxiety for days leading up to the event, it would take every ounce of my energy to suck it up and go, and afterwards I would be completely drained. Every menial daily task was a struggle. If it weren’t for DH, the boys, and Orso, it was very possible that I would have ended things, I was that depressed.

I was paralyzed. I couldn’t talk to people. I had no one to confide in. I was in a very dark, lonely place and I didn’t have anyone to whom I was close enough to let them know what was going on with me. I am very private when it comes to these things and it’s very hard for me to be honest with people when it comes to negative things. I’m fine, everything’s fine. I always tell this to people who ask because I know that eventually I will be fine. I have a hard time trusting people with hard things as I like to work out my own issues.

I can totally understand how being around a person like this would be a total drag. I wouldn’t want to be around such a bummer girl either. I know that I didn’t want to be around me, which is one of the reasons that I had such a hard time going out in public.

You guys, I was desperately in need of a friend. Someone who would drag me out someplace quiet and tell me that she was there for me whenever I was ready to come out of the hole I had fallen in; that if I needed someone to listen that they were there, or just have someone to sit beside me and not expect me to be ‘on’ for them. Someone who knew that I was struggling, but that I was figuring things out and I just needed time, someone who would just stand by me and not expect anything from me. I needed someone to say these words to me: “I can see that you’re struggling, but I know that you are the type of person who likes to figure things out for themselves. I know that you’re very private, so I just wanted to let you know that if you need to talk, or not talk, or if you need a hug, that I’m here for you.” I needed someone to pat my hand and say “there, there” and not offer any advice whatsoever. Someone who saw through my façade, called me on it and loved me anyway.

I didn’t have that. I had people ask me how I was doing. I had people tell me to snap out of it because I was being a real drag. I had people tell me to suck it up. I had people tell me I needed therapy (I’m sure they were right). I had people tell me what to do when I wasn’t asking for their advice. I had people who didn’t believe that I could ever be depressed, that it just wasn’t in my nature because I am such a positive person. I had people tell me afterwards that they were glad I finally pulled myself out of my funk because they were about to cut me out of their lives and no longer associate with me because I was dragging them down. Sheesh, thanks, now I know who my real friends are and who I can trust. (No one)

The fact that people were abandoning me and not supporting me made things exponentially worse. The fact that I didn’t have anyone I trusted to go to made it even harder to come out of the darkness.

If you have someone like this in your life, please don’t abandon them. You will need to give them space to process what is going on with them, but you need to let them know that you are there when they need you. They may push you away, but know that they need to know that you are there. You need to exercise an enormous amount of patience, but if you love this person, this is the ultimate way to show love for them.

Writing is saving my life

What I look like when I'm writing - obviously an older photo

So I'm really thankful for this blog.

Back when I started a year and a half ago, I mentioned how my therapist told me that I needed to write to help me with my depression. I halfway said it as a joke, because I don't technically have 'a therapist', but the times that I have consulted with a licensed therapist, they have advised me to write.

"An artist who does not create is a menace to society." This was a point made in Where'd you go, Bernadette by Maria Semple. The truth of this statement hit my heart like an arrow. I am a creative person. I need to create. Words are my life. I love to hear them, look at them, read them, say them, and make them up.

When Dewey was going through treatment, everything about me was put on hold while I focused all my energy on keeping my family together; buoying DH up as he was depressed and without hope, cheering Dewey on because he didn't want to die so he needed to fight this, desperately trying to do what I could to ensure that Huey didn't get passed over and that he knew that he was loved and cared about just as much even though he didn't have cancer. I put all of my desires aside except for one; the happiness of my family.

I have discovered that in the aftermath, when I wasn't desperately trying to hold my family together any more, that I was lost. I went into a major depression after Dewey's treatment was complete that went on for much longer than I thought was necessary, but nonetheless, it was there. I was so lost and so dark and felt so hopeless. I wanted to cease to exist.

And then I started this blog. I started it because I wanted to rant and rave and whine and moan, because I needed an outlet, and because I wanted to document my 'weight-loss'. (I haven't lost any weight). It took me a long time to find my rhythm, my voice, my whatever. I'm not perfect or fabulous or anything, I'm not that full of myself, but I have written some things that I'm sort of proud of, and I have found a groove that makes it easy for me to write. I've gotten over the fact that no one reads this blog; this fact has given me the freedom to write what I want, how I want, and to figure out how to write. I use this blog as a writing excercise and creative outlet and it has helped me mentally immensely.

It's hard to write when I'm feeling uninspired, or when life gets in the way, but I have found that I am making time for it now because I need it. I have given myself permission to not have to write otherwise my blog will not be popular. Screw popular. I don't need to be a famous blogger, but I DO need to write.

This is preventing me from spiralling down into my rabbit hole so far that it takes a long time and a nervous breakdown for me to find my way out. Don't get me wrong. I have my spirals, and they are not pretty, but they are prettier than they used to be, and I can pull myself out without thinking that I'm going to have to commit myself.

Words, I love you.

There's nothing good on the radio

Except for this. Thank goodness for Chvrches. They're Scottish too, which makes them all the more excellent.

I've posted a few times about how there are times when I can't find anything good on the radio, and this is one of those times. (I hear you, Ducky)

Sometimes I get so frustrated with the radio that I can't listen to it any more and I just turn it off.

I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to this because I have yet to stock my car with my favourite CDs, but I've found that when I'm in these moods even the best of the best of music to take me out of my mood sounds bad and that just ruins it for me, so silence is the best option.

I still love you, Sirius, I just think we need to take a break right now.

One of the Best Moments of my Life

I just don’t know what I’m going to do when Huey is a real teenager. This last year has been a real struggle with him. My perfect, angel boy who helped with everything and always said yes has been talking back or not talking at all, slams the door in my face and has given up in school. He used to have perfect grades. Now he’s failing. He won’t do anything we ask him unless we threaten him within an inch of his life.

Many times I have had to pull over on my drive home because I am thinking about this and my heart is breaking so much that I am sobbing.

One night, DH and Huey were fighting and he was lipping off to DH and I just had it. I was stressed to the gills and snapped. I was yelling and freaking out to the point that DH had to hold me to save me from myself and I couldn’t stop crying. I thought that DH was going to have me committed. Both boys were in their rooms crying and terrified.

After I finally calmed down, I went to both boys to tell them I was sorry. Dewey and I hugged and cried and kissed and made up. I can’t remember quite what I said to Huey, but it was something to do with what a terrible mother I was because when I was a kid my mum yelled at me and I swore I would never yell at my kids and I was so, so sorry.

“No, Mom, you’re the best.” That’s what he said. And he hugged me hard. And I cried so hard.

I can’t tell you how much that meant to me to hear that, especially at that moment. I go back to this moment over and over again. I can still hear his voice in my head telling me that I’m the best. I will never forget it.

I love that kid so much. I miss him terribly as he shuts me out while he tries to figure out how to be a man, so I will stand on the sidelines, loving him until my heart explodes and then loving him even more.

Spinning Wheels; Round and Round

I have found myself from time to time wishing for an accident or an illness just so I can have some down time. I find myself wishing and dreaming for an extended absence so that I can sort my brain out, or turn it off, or get some rest. You would think that this time of year would be a good time to have nothing to do, but I’ve been really busy lately just with regular life stuff. I feel like I’ve been spinning my wheels; working and working and working and getting nothing done. I guess the wishing for the time off would be an excuse for getting nothing done.

I yearn for quiet, for peace, for nothingness; to run away where no one needs me for anything.

Sometimes I wish that I was manic depressive instead of just depressed so that I could have those manic episodes so that I could go and go and go and be totally obsessed by something enough to work at it until it’s done and not have to sleep or take a break or anything because I’m tired.

I also wish that I could be a vampire for similar reasons. If I was a vampire I wouldn’t have to have any down time – I wouldn’t get too tired, so I could get things done. Imagine all the free time I could have if I didn’t have to sleep!

I’ve been so tired lately. I don’t know if it’s because of the change in medication, the time of year, the weather, or my brain chemistry. My brain has just been going and going and going and I can’t get it to stop. It’s like my brain has been running full steam ahead on this hamster wheel and I can’t get it to stop. It's exhausting.

Usually writing helps with this, but I haven’t been able to concentrate long enough to focus on one thing to write about. It just seems to be a gobbeldy gook of random everything. I’m thinking about everything all at once and I can’t organize my brain and I can’t tune anything out and the noises in my head….

Imagine yourself, standing in a dark room and you are the only thing lit up. You are reading a long list like a to-do list out loud. Now imagine twenty-five thousand of these images all with different lists. That’s what’s going on in my brain; except it’s me, not you reading the to-do list. I can’t turn my voices off.

I have also discovered that I am very sensitive to the feelings of others. I’ve always sort of known that, but I have realized that this is not just empathy – this is something more. When others are worried or stressed, it stresses me out too; I can physically feel it.

I need to recognize the warning signs. I’ve been feeling so harried and worried and wishing for a tragedy so that I can take time off. It all took its’ toll on me on Sunday and I had a break down. To the point where I was worried that DH was going to have me committed and I didn’t mind because I could really use the break.