All I Wanted was a Pepsi, Just One Pepsi...

So.

 

I’m going to talk about suicide.

 

If this is a trigger for you feel free to move on, and accept my apology for the trigger, the last thing I want ever is to negatively affect a person.

 

As an introvert, I take things internally and they roll around and around in my brain as I process them and it takes a long time for me to put what I’m feeling into words. I have been distraught and in anguish trying to comprehend my thoughts and feelings and cannot fully let them go until I’ve put them in order in my brain and can express them adequately. This is me getting the things that have been bouncing around in my brain out of my brain so that I don’t go insane.

 

Last week, a member of our wonderful Utah cosplay family took his life. I am grief stricken for our community; especially for those that I care about that cared about him and are deeply affected by this loss. Unfortunately, I did not know him but I still feel the void in our community because of it, and I am so sorry for those that loved him that were left behind.

 

I have had people I care about choose to take their life, and I myself attempted suicide when I was sixteen, so I know both sides; I know what it is to grieve, and I know what it is to feel like I no longer deserve to exist.

 

I’m going to get into how one feels when they are in that deep, dark abyss and want to end it all. This is a paralyzing gloom. It is the darkest of feelings. This is the blackest of black moods. When I have been in this place, and I have felt like this several times in my life – I did not see the light after my failure at my attempt and my life has been perfect and roses since - so when I have been in this place, I have felt that I am worth nothing. That the world would be a better place without me. That I should never have existed and I most definitely should not exist now. The mental pain is excruciating and numbing all at the same time. My brain shuts down and it is impossible to do anything to heal myself. The self-talk is horrendous. The worst thing is that because I truly believe that the world would be better off without me, and that I never should have existed, the thought to reach out for help never occurs to me. When my brain becomes this numb and dysfunctional, it is impossible to reach out.

 

I’m sorry if I offend anyone by saying this, but the words “feel free to reach out to me at any time” are worth nothing to a person who is suffering with suicidal tendencies. They are in the deepest darkest of places and are incapable of reaching out. There is nothing that they can do because they are frozen in despair. They are drowning. It is important for us to pay attention to the people we care about. It can be difficult when people cocoon and push others away and just need to be in their cave. I am one of those people, but sometimes when I’m in my cave it is because I am desperately lonely, yet incapable of putting my feelings into some sort of comprehensive communication and all it takes is a “r u o k?” text, or chicken and salad, or a silly meme on my wall with a “saw this thought of you” comment, or a hug to pull me out. I’m not saying this is on you, but if you want to know what you can do, this is something you can do. Telling someone who is suffering, drowning, and sinking to reach out any time can sound like nothing but lip service. It is extremely difficult to ask for help when you do not feel like you deserve to breathe, let alone have someone come to your aid.

 

I want those who are grieving to know that this is not your fault. He was in the deepest and darkest of places, and the fact that you didn’t know is NOT your fault (regardless of what I just said). Sometimes we hurt and we can’t get out of it and no one else can help either. We feel like this is the end and it should be the end and there’s nothing else to be done but to end it all. We are without hope. And we leave. We do this because there is nothing left inside of us, and no external stimulation can fix that. Suicide, unfortunately, is not one hundred percent preventable.

 

If you are feeling the blackest of blues, are considering leaving this existence, and you are reading this: Please. STAY. You are worth the air you breathe. You are loved. Take a deep breath, hydrate, do something that makes you breathe hard and your blood flow, look outside, GO outside, listen to music. You deserve to exist. You are important. I’m sorry you feel this way, I know how you feel, and if you want to talk, comment. I’m here. (if you’re local and you need a hug, PM me your address, I’ll be right there, I also have excellently absorbent shoulders)

 

These are the things that have been bouncing around in my head since last week. It’s been difficult for me because whenever I hear of a person taking their life, all the feelings that I had when I wanted to end it all come flooding back to me; I know how that person felt and I feel all the hurt all over again. I also know how hard it is on the ones that were left behind and I hurt for them too.

 

I love you.

Never forget

Twelve years ago DH, Huey and I went on a family vacation and met with DH's parents, sister, her husband, and their daughter who is nine months older than Huey to Bend, OR. The weather was beautiful, the children were adorable, and we had a lovely time.

One night after Huey was nursed and put to bed, DH and I took the opportunity to go out and have a date. Huey was only 13 Months old at the time, and since we don't have any family in Salt Lake, we rarely left Huey with a sitter. We drove around Bend aimlessly for a time when we found a movie theatre and decided that was what we would do. We ended up seeing The Princess Diaries because that was what was playing next and I had wanted to see it and DH has a mild crush on Anne Hathaway.

I loved the movie, but what added to the experience was that when we returned to the condo, Huey was sound asleep, safe and sound. I had been stressing so much that he would wake and freak out when we weren't there. This was the first time we had left with someone else to watch him. I was elated to come home and find him totally fine.

We returned home on Monday. The following Tuesday morning I was watching the news and nursing Huey when Ron Bird of channel two news reported that an airplane had crashed into the World Trade Center.

Just this summer, I read The Princess Diaries, loved it, and was cruising Meg Cabot's website when she related her September 11th story. In remembrance of this day of infamy, I suggest you follow the link, but be prepared to cry. She was living in New York and watched the whole thing. It is a very well written moving take.

Please don't abandon your Negative Friends

There seems to be this thing about abolishing negative people from your life: that they bring you down and poison you, and you should cut them out of your life. I am here to give you a different perspective.

I went through a really bad bought of depression recently. It lasted for over a year which was much longer than I thought was necessary. I was hopeless and numb and went back and forth between wanting to disappear and desiring to become invisible. I mostly just wanted to cease to exist. I wished that I had never been born. It was really hard for me to get out of bed and do the laundry and cook and clean and go to work and take care of the daily. I struggled a lot. I hated going out in public and had a hard time facing people. I couldn’t look anyone in the eye because I was so empty inside. I felt like a zombie. It was physically exhausting going to a social event; I would suffer anxiety for days leading up to the event, it would take every ounce of my energy to suck it up and go, and afterwards I would be completely drained. Every menial daily task was a struggle. If it weren’t for DH, the boys, and Orso, it was very possible that I would have ended things, I was that depressed.

I was paralyzed. I couldn’t talk to people. I had no one to confide in. I was in a very dark, lonely place and I didn’t have anyone to whom I was close enough to let them know what was going on with me. I am very private when it comes to these things and it’s very hard for me to be honest with people when it comes to negative things. I’m fine, everything’s fine. I always tell this to people who ask because I know that eventually I will be fine. I have a hard time trusting people with hard things as I like to work out my own issues.

I can totally understand how being around a person like this would be a total drag. I wouldn’t want to be around such a bummer girl either. I know that I didn’t want to be around me, which is one of the reasons that I had such a hard time going out in public.

You guys, I was desperately in need of a friend. Someone who would drag me out someplace quiet and tell me that she was there for me whenever I was ready to come out of the hole I had fallen in; that if I needed someone to listen that they were there, or just have someone to sit beside me and not expect me to be ‘on’ for them. Someone who knew that I was struggling, but that I was figuring things out and I just needed time, someone who would just stand by me and not expect anything from me. I needed someone to say these words to me: “I can see that you’re struggling, but I know that you are the type of person who likes to figure things out for themselves. I know that you’re very private, so I just wanted to let you know that if you need to talk, or not talk, or if you need a hug, that I’m here for you.” I needed someone to pat my hand and say “there, there” and not offer any advice whatsoever. Someone who saw through my façade, called me on it and loved me anyway.

I didn’t have that. I had people ask me how I was doing. I had people tell me to snap out of it because I was being a real drag. I had people tell me to suck it up. I had people tell me I needed therapy (I’m sure they were right). I had people tell me what to do when I wasn’t asking for their advice. I had people who didn’t believe that I could ever be depressed, that it just wasn’t in my nature because I am such a positive person. I had people tell me afterwards that they were glad I finally pulled myself out of my funk because they were about to cut me out of their lives and no longer associate with me because I was dragging them down. Sheesh, thanks, now I know who my real friends are and who I can trust. (No one)

The fact that people were abandoning me and not supporting me made things exponentially worse. The fact that I didn’t have anyone I trusted to go to made it even harder to come out of the darkness.

If you have someone like this in your life, please don’t abandon them. You will need to give them space to process what is going on with them, but you need to let them know that you are there when they need you. They may push you away, but know that they need to know that you are there. You need to exercise an enormous amount of patience, but if you love this person, this is the ultimate way to show love for them.

One of the Best Moments of my Life

I just don’t know what I’m going to do when Huey is a real teenager. This last year has been a real struggle with him. My perfect, angel boy who helped with everything and always said yes has been talking back or not talking at all, slams the door in my face and has given up in school. He used to have perfect grades. Now he’s failing. He won’t do anything we ask him unless we threaten him within an inch of his life.

Many times I have had to pull over on my drive home because I am thinking about this and my heart is breaking so much that I am sobbing.

One night, DH and Huey were fighting and he was lipping off to DH and I just had it. I was stressed to the gills and snapped. I was yelling and freaking out to the point that DH had to hold me to save me from myself and I couldn’t stop crying. I thought that DH was going to have me committed. Both boys were in their rooms crying and terrified.

After I finally calmed down, I went to both boys to tell them I was sorry. Dewey and I hugged and cried and kissed and made up. I can’t remember quite what I said to Huey, but it was something to do with what a terrible mother I was because when I was a kid my mum yelled at me and I swore I would never yell at my kids and I was so, so sorry.

“No, Mom, you’re the best.” That’s what he said. And he hugged me hard. And I cried so hard.

I can’t tell you how much that meant to me to hear that, especially at that moment. I go back to this moment over and over again. I can still hear his voice in my head telling me that I’m the best. I will never forget it.

I love that kid so much. I miss him terribly as he shuts me out while he tries to figure out how to be a man, so I will stand on the sidelines, loving him until my heart explodes and then loving him even more.

One of the Best Moments of my Life

One of the longest days of my life was April 17, 2008, the day of Dewey’s surgery to remove his primary tumour. We were very fortunate to have the best surgery team who gave us updates from the surgery room, and that his 4-6 hour surgery lasted less than three hours. You can read more about this here.

After Dewey was out of surgery and in the PICU, we were able to see him. Dewey has really long, beautiful, dark eyelashes. Due to the chemotherapy, all of his eyelashes fell out. He was down to one prior to surgery. They put this goop on their eyes so they don’t dry out. When we entered the PICU to see Dewey post-surgery, he was hooked up to all these tubes and his eyes were still closed. The first thing I noticed was his final eyelash on his shoulder. I was so sad.

The wonderful thing, other than he was still alive and we were still kicking cancer’s butt was this; every once and awhile, his eyes would flutter open. Whenever this would happen I would get in his face and smile my brightest smile to let him know that I was there. Every time, once his eyes focused and he knew I was there, he would relax and close his eyes again.

I knew he needed me, and the minute he knew I was there, he was reassured and would return to healing himself. I felt connected to him on so many levels that day. It felt like he was coming back to me every time his eyes focused on mine.

He did in fact need my presence. Hospital rules in the PICU are that the parents are not allowed to sleep in the room. (I really hated the PICU) They have these “sleeping rooms” that are pitch black that they sent me to, but had to come and get me every couple of hours or so, because every time Dewey would wake up and he couldn’t see me, he would freak out and not calm down until he saw me. The minute he could see me he would chill right out and go back to sleep. It was a rough night, but I knew how much he needed me, so I was okay with it.

He told me later that he had a dream that he was in a white tunnel, but he could see my face and hear my voice and that’s what kept bringing him back to me.

I love that kid so much and I would die of a broken heart if he wasn’t in my life. I am so thankful to be blessed enough to have him still with me. I am certain I nor my family would have survived if he was taken from us.