All I Wanted was a Pepsi, Just One Pepsi...

So.

 

I’m going to talk about suicide.

 

If this is a trigger for you feel free to move on, and accept my apology for the trigger, the last thing I want ever is to negatively affect a person.

 

As an introvert, I take things internally and they roll around and around in my brain as I process them and it takes a long time for me to put what I’m feeling into words. I have been distraught and in anguish trying to comprehend my thoughts and feelings and cannot fully let them go until I’ve put them in order in my brain and can express them adequately. This is me getting the things that have been bouncing around in my brain out of my brain so that I don’t go insane.

 

Last week, a member of our wonderful Utah cosplay family took his life. I am grief stricken for our community; especially for those that I care about that cared about him and are deeply affected by this loss. Unfortunately, I did not know him but I still feel the void in our community because of it, and I am so sorry for those that loved him that were left behind.

 

I have had people I care about choose to take their life, and I myself attempted suicide when I was sixteen, so I know both sides; I know what it is to grieve, and I know what it is to feel like I no longer deserve to exist.

 

I’m going to get into how one feels when they are in that deep, dark abyss and want to end it all. This is a paralyzing gloom. It is the darkest of feelings. This is the blackest of black moods. When I have been in this place, and I have felt like this several times in my life – I did not see the light after my failure at my attempt and my life has been perfect and roses since - so when I have been in this place, I have felt that I am worth nothing. That the world would be a better place without me. That I should never have existed and I most definitely should not exist now. The mental pain is excruciating and numbing all at the same time. My brain shuts down and it is impossible to do anything to heal myself. The self-talk is horrendous. The worst thing is that because I truly believe that the world would be better off without me, and that I never should have existed, the thought to reach out for help never occurs to me. When my brain becomes this numb and dysfunctional, it is impossible to reach out.

 

I’m sorry if I offend anyone by saying this, but the words “feel free to reach out to me at any time” are worth nothing to a person who is suffering with suicidal tendencies. They are in the deepest darkest of places and are incapable of reaching out. There is nothing that they can do because they are frozen in despair. They are drowning. It is important for us to pay attention to the people we care about. It can be difficult when people cocoon and push others away and just need to be in their cave. I am one of those people, but sometimes when I’m in my cave it is because I am desperately lonely, yet incapable of putting my feelings into some sort of comprehensive communication and all it takes is a “r u o k?” text, or chicken and salad, or a silly meme on my wall with a “saw this thought of you” comment, or a hug to pull me out. I’m not saying this is on you, but if you want to know what you can do, this is something you can do. Telling someone who is suffering, drowning, and sinking to reach out any time can sound like nothing but lip service. It is extremely difficult to ask for help when you do not feel like you deserve to breathe, let alone have someone come to your aid.

 

I want those who are grieving to know that this is not your fault. He was in the deepest and darkest of places, and the fact that you didn’t know is NOT your fault (regardless of what I just said). Sometimes we hurt and we can’t get out of it and no one else can help either. We feel like this is the end and it should be the end and there’s nothing else to be done but to end it all. We are without hope. And we leave. We do this because there is nothing left inside of us, and no external stimulation can fix that. Suicide, unfortunately, is not one hundred percent preventable.

 

If you are feeling the blackest of blues, are considering leaving this existence, and you are reading this: Please. STAY. You are worth the air you breathe. You are loved. Take a deep breath, hydrate, do something that makes you breathe hard and your blood flow, look outside, GO outside, listen to music. You deserve to exist. You are important. I’m sorry you feel this way, I know how you feel, and if you want to talk, comment. I’m here. (if you’re local and you need a hug, PM me your address, I’ll be right there, I also have excellently absorbent shoulders)

 

These are the things that have been bouncing around in my head since last week. It’s been difficult for me because whenever I hear of a person taking their life, all the feelings that I had when I wanted to end it all come flooding back to me; I know how that person felt and I feel all the hurt all over again. I also know how hard it is on the ones that were left behind and I hurt for them too.

 

I love you.

There's nothing good on the radio

Except for this. Thank goodness for Chvrches. They're Scottish too, which makes them all the more excellent.

I've posted a few times about how there are times when I can't find anything good on the radio, and this is one of those times. (I hear you, Ducky)

Sometimes I get so frustrated with the radio that I can't listen to it any more and I just turn it off.

I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to this because I have yet to stock my car with my favourite CDs, but I've found that when I'm in these moods even the best of the best of music to take me out of my mood sounds bad and that just ruins it for me, so silence is the best option.

I still love you, Sirius, I just think we need to take a break right now.

Hiking Diamond Head with big D

I spent all this time talking about planning for my trip to Oahu and then never said anything about it after I got back! Bad Rantgirl! No cookie!

So things were fine. Hawaii is Hawaii. Hot. Beautiful. Ocean. I want to live there. Palm trees, mountains. Perfect.

View of Diamond Head from Waikiki Beach

Things with my brother were fine. He's my favourite sibling and we get along great. I felt like I was sixteen again: waking up every morning to my brother walking around in his gonch. I hardly saw him because he was off doing things with his friends which was the reason I was there; so that he and his wife could go out and have fun and someone was there to watch the kids.

It was so fun having all D's friends be totally unsurprised that I am his sister as we look so much alike. I am like a female version of him. Now that we are all so spread apart and hardly see each other it's nice when people recognize the family resemblance.

The other fun thing was that most people at the wedding thought that Goonie-goo-goo was my son, not D's because we look so much alike.

Goonie-goo-goo and I at the Honolulu airport

On my last day there, D and I hiked Diamond Head which is the one thing I wanted to do with him. Things were so busy that we had to shove it in at the last minute. I'm really glad we shoved it in. We went to Pearl Harbour in the morning, came home, my sister-in-law put the kids down for a nap, and D and I took off. It was nice to get some one on one time with my big/little bro. (he's big because he's much taller than I, and he's little because he's four years younger.) It was so weird hanging out with the grown up version of my little brother. I hardly ever get a chance to see him because I live in another country, and now he's all married with two kids and a job and stuff. Not the little kid with the weird friends that left Legos all over the floor and made the bathroom that we shared so gross. He still leaves the seat up, so there's that. Any way, we talked all the way up and all the way down. I still had to stop halfway up the stairs at the end, so I didn't reach my goal of not having to stop, but it's an amazing hike with the best reward ever at the top: a 360 degree view of Oahu. You can almost see the whole island from up there. It was really crowded as was everything else we did when we were there, because Waikiki, but it was by far the most enjoyable thing I did when I was there. We came back to the condo, he crashed, I did my souvenir shopping, mailed my postcards, took the photos I wanted to take, and walked along Waikiki beach for the last time. (all things I was supposed to do on my first day there, but whatever.)

Big D and I at the top of Diamond Head

I didn't have any major expectations for the trip because I knew I was just going to watch the kids, and since I have only really seen my niece and nephew once before, it was good. I was basically stuck to the condo for most of the trip because of naps and the fact that Goonie-goo-goo went to bed at 5pm and PJ followed soon after at 6pm, and D and J were out every evening, but that was what I was expecting. After the kids went to sleep, I would do the dishes, clean up, grab some cookies and milk and my laptop, and hang out on the lanai until I couldn't keep my eyes open any more, and be in bed by 9pm. With the four hour time difference, I didn't have a lot of chances to talk to my family back home, but everyone lived.

On the lanai

All in all, it was a very relaxing trip for me with the copious amounts of alone time which is what a trip to Hawaii is about, isn't it? I'm so glad I got to go.

One last photo of Goonie-goo-goo because he's so darn adorable

Inspired by the commute

So I only have a 15 minute commute, but I've been doing it so long that my brain just kind of goes on auto-pilot. Sometimes I pull into my driveway and I don't remember my drive at all.

The other day I saw this bumper sticker on the tailgate of a pick-up truck that said "Gay Porn Star". Promptly after passing me, he hit a bump and some trash came flying out of the back of the pick-up; like, fast food wrappers. One piece, then another, and then some more, and I thought to myself "Littering Gay Porn Star".

That's all.

Tell me about your day, dear

Sometimes you just have those days. Those days that frazzle you to the end of your mental strength and all you can do is laugh for fear of crying. For me, the “things” tend to multiply like bunnies.