Monday, July 16, 2018

All I Wanted was a Pepsi, Just One Pepsi...



I’m going to talk about suicide.


If this is a trigger for you feel free to move on, and accept my apology for the trigger, the last thing I want ever is to negatively affect a person.


As an introvert, I take things internally and they roll around and around in my brain as I process them and it takes a long time for me to put what I’m feeling into words. I have been distraught and in anguish trying to comprehend my thoughts and feelings and cannot fully let them go until I’ve put them in order in my brain and can express them adequately. This is me getting the things that have been bouncing around in my brain out of my brain so that I don’t go insane.


Last week, a member of our wonderful Utah cosplay family took his life. I am grief stricken for our community; especially for those that I care about that cared about him and are deeply affected by this loss. Unfortunately, I did not know him but I still feel the void in our community because of it, and I am so sorry for those that loved him that were left behind.


I have had people I care about choose to take their life, and I myself attempted suicide when I was sixteen, so I know both sides; I know what it is to grieve, and I know what it is to feel like I no longer deserve to exist.


I’m going to get into how one feels when they are in that deep, dark abyss and want to end it all. This is a paralyzing gloom. It is the darkest of feelings. This is the blackest of black moods. When I have been in this place, and I have felt like this several times in my life – I did not see the light after my failure at my attempt and my life has been perfect and roses since - so when I have been in this place, I have felt that I am worth nothing. That the world would be a better place without me. That I should never have existed and I most definitely should not exist now. The mental pain is excruciating and numbing all at the same time. My brain shuts down and it is impossible to do anything to heal myself. The self-talk is horrendous. The worst thing is that because I truly believe that the world would be better off without me, and that I never should have existed, the thought to reach out for help never occurs to me. When my brain becomes this numb and dysfunctional, it is impossible to reach out.


I’m sorry if I offend anyone by saying this, but the words “feel free to reach out to me at any time” are worth nothing to a person who is suffering with suicidal tendencies. They are in the deepest darkest of places and are incapable of reaching out. There is nothing that they can do because they are frozen in despair. They are drowning. It is important for us to pay attention to the people we care about. It can be difficult when people cocoon and push others away and just need to be in their cave. I am one of those people, but sometimes when I’m in my cave it is because I am desperately lonely, yet incapable of putting my feelings into some sort of comprehensive communication and all it takes is a “r u o k?” text, or chicken and salad, or a silly meme on my wall with a “saw this thought of you” comment, or a hug to pull me out. I’m not saying this is on you, but if you want to know what you can do, this is something you can do. Telling someone who is suffering, drowning, and sinking to reach out any time can sound like nothing but lip service. It is extremely difficult to ask for help when you do not feel like you deserve to breathe, let alone have someone come to your aid.


I want those who are grieving to know that this is not your fault. He was in the deepest and darkest of places, and the fact that you didn’t know is NOT your fault (regardless of what I just said). Sometimes we hurt and we can’t get out of it and no one else can help either. We feel like this is the end and it should be the end and there’s nothing else to be done but to end it all. We are without hope. And we leave. We do this because there is nothing left inside of us, and no external stimulation can fix that. Suicide, unfortunately, is not one hundred percent preventable.


If you are feeling the blackest of blues, are considering leaving this existence, and you are reading this: Please. STAY. You are worth the air you breathe. You are loved. Take a deep breath, hydrate, do something that makes you breathe hard and your blood flow, look outside, GO outside, listen to music. You deserve to exist. You are important. I’m sorry you feel this way, I know how you feel, and if you want to talk, comment. I’m here. (if you’re local and you need a hug, PM me your address, I’ll be right there, I also have excellently absorbent shoulders)


These are the things that have been bouncing around in my head since last week. It’s been difficult for me because whenever I hear of a person taking their life, all the feelings that I had when I wanted to end it all come flooding back to me; I know how that person felt and I feel all the hurt all over again. I also know how hard it is on the ones that were left behind and I hurt for them too.
I love you.

Friday, August 1, 2014

Book Report - Sharp Objects

Title: Sharp Objects
Authour: Gillian Flynn
Length: 535 pages
How long it took me to read: 2 days
Grade: B+

What it's about: WICKED above her hipbone, GIRL across her heart Words are like a road map to reporter Camille Preaker’s troubled past. Fresh from a brief stay at a psych hospital, Camille’s first assignment from the second-rate daily paper where she works brings her reluctantly back to her hometown to cover the murders of two preteen girls.

NASTY on her kneecap, BABYDOLL on her leg.

Since she left town eight years ago, Camille has hardly spoken to her neurotic, hypochondriac mother or to the half-sister she barely knows: a beautiful thirteen-year-old with an eerie grip on the town. Now, installed again in her family’s Victorian mansion, Camille is haunted by the childhood tragedy she has spent her whole life trying to cut from her memory.

HARMFUL on her wrist, WHORE on her ankle.

As Camille works to uncover the truth about these violent crimes, she finds herself identifying with the young victims—a bit too strongly. Clues keep leading to dead ends, forcing Camille to unravel the psychological puzzle of her own past to get at the story. Dogged by her own demons, Camille will have to confront what happened to her years before if she wants to survive this homecoming.

The ending is the most important part: At first, I thought the ending was predictable, but at the last minute there was a bit of a twist.

Last word: I'm glad that I was able to read this book quickly so that I didn't have to have this story in my head for a longer period of time.

Spoilers after the jump

Friday, July 25, 2014

Book Report - The Time Traveler's Wife

Title: The Time Traveler's Wife
Authour: Audrey Niffenegger
Length: 528 pages
How long it took me to read: 4 days
Grade: A

What it's about: A dazzling novel in the most untraditional fashion, this is the remarkable story of Henry DeTamble, a dashing, adventuresome librarian who travels involuntarily through time, and Clare Abshire, an artist whose life takes a natural sequential course. Henry and Clare's passionate love affair endures across a sea of time and captures the two lovers in an impossibly romantic trap, and it is Audrey Niffenegger's cinematic storytelling that makes the novel's unconventional chronology so vibrantly triumphant.

The ending is the most important part: The ending is sad, and a little Notebookish, but still okay.

Last word: I wasn't intending to finish this book as quickly as I did, but I just couldn't stop reading! A well-written, lovely read.

Spoilers after the jump

Friday, July 4, 2014

Book Report - City of Lost Souls

Title: City of Lost Souls
Authour: Cassandra Clare
Length: 535 pages
How long it took me to read: 5 days
Grade: B+

What it's about: What price is too high to pay, even for love? When Jace and Clary meet again, Clary is horrified to discover that the demon Lilith’s magic has bound her beloved Jace together with her evil brother Sebastian, and that Jace has become a servant of evil. The Clave is out to destroy Sebastian, but there is no way to harm one boy without destroying the other. As Alec, Magnus, Simon, and Isabelle wheedle and bargain with Seelies, demons, and the merciless Iron Sisters to try to save Jace, Clary plays a dangerous game of her own. The price of losing is not just her own life, but Jace’s soul. She’s willing to do anything for Jace, but can she still trust him? Or is he truly lost?

The ending is the most important part: I can't wait to read City of Heavenly Fire!

Last word: I love that Clary is learning from her mistakes, and that Sebastian is one, sick mofo.

Spoilers after the jump

Friday, June 27, 2014

Book Report - City of Fallen Angels

Title: City of Glass
Authour: Cassandra Clare
Length: 424 pages
How long it took me to read: 5 days
Grade: B+

What it's about: The Mortal War is over, and sixteen-year-old Clary Fray is back home in New York, excited about all the possibilities before her. She’s training to become a Shadowhunter and to use her unique power. Her mother is getting married to the love of her life. Downworlders and Shadowhunters are at peace at last. And—most importantly of all—she can finally call Jace her boyfriend.

But nothing comes without a price.

Someone is murdering Shadowhunters, provoking tensions between Downworlders and Shadowhunters that could lead to a second, bloody war. Clary’s best friend, Simon, can’t help her—his mother just found out that he’s a vampire, and now he’s homeless. When Jace begins to pull away from her without explaining why, Clary is forced to delve into the heart of a mystery whose solution reveals her worst nightmare: she herself has set in motion a terrible chain of events that could lead to her losing everything she loves. Even Jace.

The ending is the most important part: The ending was fine.

Last word: I think that this should have been a new series that focused more on Simon and Maia, less on Clary, there are so many characters now. I still like the series, though

Spoilers after the jump

Friday, June 20, 2014

Book Report - City of Glass

Title: City of Glass
Authour: Cassandra Clare
Length: 541 pages
How long it took me to read: 4 days
Grade: A+

What it's about: To save her mother's life, Clary must travel to the City of Glass, the ancestral home of the Shadowhunters - never mind that entering the city without permission is against the Law, and breaking the Law could mean death. To make things worse, she learns that Jace does not want her there, and Simon has been thrown in prison by the Shadowhunters, who are deeply suspicious of a vampire who can withstand sunlight.

As Clary uncovers more about her family's past, she finds an ally in mysterious Shadowhunter Sebastian. With Valentine mustering the full force of his power to destroy all Shadowhunters forever, their only chance to defeat him is to fight alongside their eternal enemies. But can Downworlders and Shadowhunters put aside their hatred to work together? While Jace realizes exactly how much he's willing to risk for Clary, can she harness her newfound powers to help save the Glass City - whatever the cost?

The ending is the most important part: Yes!! Finally!! The ending was so perfect.

Last word: I know that there are more books, but this seems to be the perfect ending to an awesome trilogy.

Spoilers after the jump

Friday, June 13, 2014

Book Report - City of Ashes

Title: City of Ashes
Authour: Cassandra Clare
Length: 453 pages
How long it took me to read: 5 days
Grade: B

What it's about: Clary Fray just wishes that her life would go back to normal. But what's normal when you're a demon-slaying Shadowhunter, your mother is in a magically induced coma, and you can suddenly see Downworlders like werewolves, vampires, and faeries? If Clary left the world of the Shadowhunters behind, it would mean more time with her best friend, Simon, who's becoming more than a friend. But the Shadowhunting world isn't ready to let her go — especially her handsome, infuriating, newfound brother, Jace. And Clary's only chance to help her mother is to track down rogue Shadowhunter Valentine, who is probably insane, certainly evil — and also her father.

To complicate matters, someone in New York City is murdering Downworlder children. Is Valentine behind the killings — and if he is, what is he trying to do? When the second of the Mortal Instruments, the Soul-Sword, is stolen, the terrifying Inquisitor arrives to investigate and zooms right in on Jace. How can Clary stop Valentine if Jace is willing to betray everything he believes in to help their father?

The ending is the most important part: Nope. Nothing resolved. More information = good. Clary and Jace brother and sister = bad.

Last word: I have no idea where this story is going, but I'm along for the ride.

Spoilers after the jump