Friday, November 30, 2012


Hi! Howareya?

Here we go:

Physically – I found my fat jeans that I thought I got rid of when I lost weight earlier this year. Now I don’t have to wear sweat/track pants when I’m at home. I’m not tired, I’m not full of junk food, I’m rested. I feel good. I haven’t lost any weight because I haven’t changed any of my habits, but I feel like I can and will as soon as the holidays are over. I was back on the Dr. Pepper wagon this week. I need to do better with this.

Emotionally – I hate that you can’t say ‘good’, because emotionally I am really, really good. I am balanced emotionally. Things were crazy this week, but I didn’t melt down as badly as I usually do. Everything feels doable. This makes me very happy. I’ve completed about half of my Christmas shopping and I should be done at the beginning of next week. This also makes me feel happy and stress-free. It’s wonderful. My relationship with DH is good as we hung out together during Thanksgiving and I’m not a stressed-out strung-up beeotch. Things are always good between us when we get to hang out. I've also been writing a lot more and that really helps me feel good.

Spiritually – I was worried I was on a downward turn, but things are remaining very even keeled right now. I feel peaceful going to church and I know that I have the gospel in my life. I feel like I am living the gospel right now. That makes me feel balanced and happy.

Goal - Major fail on the walking Orso thing. So much so that I've decided to pick a new more attainable goal.

This week I will be caffiene free.

That’s all folks.

Have a great weekend!

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Stupid People in Line

So I’ve been madly trying to have Christmas taken care of as soon as possible so that I can relax and enjoy the holiday and not be the Scrooge I normally am. I’ve spent a bunch of money online and I’m waiting very patiently (not really) for the packages to arrive so that I have something to wrap and put under the tree that is not up yet.

Huey and Dewey got invited to a birthday party tomorrow so we needed to pick out a present. Huey had something very specific in mind and Dewey had already changed into his pajamas by the time I got home from work, so I left Dewy home with Orso and dragged Huey with me to Smith’s Marketplace.

Smith’s Marketplace is one of those mondo grocery stores that has toys and bikes and pantyhose and makeup and a garden centre and stuff.

I had a big list – some of it was groceries, I needed some beauty supplies, and I was going to try to cross some more things off my Christmas list. I sent Huey over to the toys while I did the rest of my shopping. When I met him in the toys, he was like “what took you so long?” I had a LOT of stuff in my cart.

We found a cashier that didn’t have a line and promptly started unloading. When I went to pull out my debit card, I couldn’t find my wallet in my purse. My heart sank. My blood turned to ice. I must have left it at home! I turned to the clerk pale faced an announced “I don’t have my wallet.” She froze. The bagger froze. Great, I was going to have to make them put all this stuff back. There was a LOT of stuff. Then *bing* I remembered that my wallet was in my jacket pocket and my jacket was in the car! Then I couldn’t find Huey or my keys in my purse. My heart sunk further. Just as I found my keys (a second later – you know how time seems to slow down at moments like these?) Huey appeared and I told him to run to the car and get my wallet. The clerk finished ringing me up, and I waited. We all waited. By this time there was a person behind me that had unloaded her cart and was waiting with the rest of us. Thinking it was the polite thing to do, I turned to her and explained that I had left my wallet in the car and apologized. This woman looked at me like I was the biggest idiot on the planet and huffed “Fine!” and proceeded to remove her items from the conveyer belt back into her cart. By this time there was someone behind her and it looked like her intention was to mow that person over in order to get in another check-out line. At the exact moment that the woman had re-loaded her cart, Huey arrived on his white horse with my wallet and I proceeded to pay for my items. When Huey arrived with my wallet, the clerk reassuringly told the woman, “She has it! See?” (bless her) and the woman huffed again, rolled her eyes, and proceeded to re-unload her cart. Shaking her head and grumbling the whole time. (this whole transaction took a minute)

Now I know that it’s the holidays and people are grumpy. It was the end of the day right before dinner. Most of the time I am the person in line behind the dummy that left her wallet in the car and has to send her twelve year old son who runs like the wind to the parking lot to get it. I totally understood her frustration. Just the day before, I was in Costco and the woman paying was taking forever! So much so that the clerk was apologizing (the clerk, not the woman – that’s a rant for another day), and I turned to the guy who had just arrived behind me and said that he may want to choose another line. I like to keep my judgment and eye-rolling to myself. I was pleasant to the Costco clerk and told her quietly, “It’s not your fault” when she had apologized while the woman in front of me was debating with her husband in Spanish how to pay for her groceries. She was trying to pay with a credit card and Costco only takes American Express.

Anyway. The woman behind me yesterday was rude. Totally rude. What did she think she was going to accomplish by unloading her cart and going to another line? Was it going to be faster?Sorry for apologizing to you and telling you what the problem was. Sheesh! Her negative response stuck with me for the rest of the night. Of course I felt terrible for holding this woman up for three extra minutes! Of course I felt like a complete bozo for leaving my wallet in the car. I was mortified that I was going to have to leave the store and come back with my wallet and do it all over again. I was tired too. It was the end of my day too. I hadn’t had dinner yet either. I am totally annoyed when the person in front of me is taking forever and a day to check out. It happens.  I’m really sad for whatever had put that woman in such a mood that she had to take it out on me with her huffing and puffing and loading and unloading her cart and shaking her head.

I am so proud of my Huey for rescuing me in my time of need and running furiously to the car and back. He was amazing. He’s my hero. That kid can run FAST!! I was so amazed by him. The best thing was that when I was expressing to him how rude I thought the woman behind me was while I described what had happened while he was running to and from the car, he said the following to me: “Yeah, I saw what she was doing so I slowed down and waited until she had the last thing back in her cart before I showed up.” Then he turned to me with a wry grin on his face. “You DID NOT!” I said. He just smiled and shrugged. I’ll never know for sure if he was telling the truth or not, but he’s a genius if that’s really what he did because she deserved it with the way she was acting. AND that kid has a sense of humour!!! I love him even more now.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Holiday Drag

I have this love/hate relationship with the holidays.

I used to work in retail, so I have always blamed my BAH Humbug attitude on that, as if working retail has ruined Christmas forever.

I just hate the forced merriment. The we-have-to-get-together-and-like-it attitude. If I’m not going to go out of my way to see you during the year, then why the heck would I do it at the holidays?

The first Christmas that DH and I were married, I forced him to take me home to Vancouver for Christmas. We had a rare twelve inches of snow and we were driving a Honda CRX. Prior to moving to Utah, I had a grand total of four White Christmases (two of them were spent in Michigan). For anyone who doesn’t already know, the Pacific Northwest is not equipped for snow. First of all, there is a lot of humidity. That means ice. The snow doesn’t stick around for long because of the temperature and the rain. That means slush and flooding and more ice. Since snow is such a rarity, we only have the one plow. Also - hills. Right before we got to the border, we spun around on the highway a couple of times when we hit a particularly bad patch of ice. When we finally got to my neighbourhood (my street is a hill, by the way) we ended up plowing the road with our car. Our arrival was a surprise, so when I walked in the house screeching and moaning about the weather, I was in the living room before anyone realized it was me and not my sister making all that racket. That was the best part of the holiday. The trip home was even worse. We were stopped in Snoqualmie pass while they blasted for avalanches. Ice formed on the inside of the windows. The highway further south was closed down due to high winds, so we ended up in a Motel 6 on the border of Washington and Oregon and I had to miss an extra day of work. Utah and Idaho had no snow whatsoever. I have never been so happy to see dry roads in my life. “Never again!” saith DH. I couldn’t have agreed more.

I’m all for not travelling on the holidays, but for me that means no family. I guess that gets me out of the forced merriment, but I like my family a little bit and I haven’t seen them in four years and that bums me out.

I also hate the stress. Having children has made it worse, because you have to make it great and memorable for them. Hearing all the I-want-this and I-need-that scrooges me right the heck out. Christmas is supposed to be about the birth of Christ, not presents. I feel like a bad mother for not teaching them better. When I get stressed, I tend to bury my head in the sand and put things off which stresses me out more to the point that I’m doing my Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve. When I was single, I just made that my holiday tradition. It was fun then, but having that Christmas list going on repeat in the back of my head all season makes for a very grumpy rantgirl.

I always find that once I am done with Christmas shopping, I magically get the Christmas Spirit, which is why I always try to get it done before Thanksgiving. I always fail, but I’m done dragging myself down for not getting everything done. I haven’t even started yet, but at least I’ve written my list and checked it twice, so I will be done soon.

Until then, BAH HUMBUG!!

Monday, November 26, 2012

Thanksgiving Holiday Ho-Hum

So how was your Thanksgiving? Mine was fine...

I guess.

DH’s cousins always have us over for dinner, so I don’t have to cook a huge meal or get my house cleaned or stress out or anything.

I love having the extra two days off and since I don’t have to cook or clean or stress out, and I like to be ready for Christmas before Thanksgiving so that I can enjoy the holiday season, I had a lot planned for this weekend. I’m not going to say that nothing was accomplished, but I’m not where I want to be with my plans.

This happens every year. I have grand delusions of what I can accomplish in the four days of the Thanksgiving holiday and I make big lists and have high hopes, only to have them completely dashed.

I really needed some time off this year. I was due for a holiday in the worst way. I’ve just been really raked over the coals emotionally, burned out in other ways, and just plain exhausted.

I guess I just took my time getting to the things that needed to get done. I was really tired and needed some down time, so I took it. I can’t even remember what I did on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday other than I got up at the usual time, and went to bed at the usual time. On Thursday we spent the bulk of the day at the cousins, and on Friday I went to see The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 by myself. I know that I did some laundry and some dishes and some ironing, and caught up on the shows that I recorded because I have no time for live television, but other than that, I guess I just did nothing?

Finally on Saturday, when I realized that my holiday was going to be shot if I didn’t get my butt moving, I got something accomplished. My knees are still hurting. I spent the bulk of the day on my hands and knees scrubbing things. I even washed walls and baseboards. It felt so good on Sunday to have clean floors and counters that I even did the dishes right after dinner!

I think that the issue with Thanksgiving is that I need time to stock up on my energy in order to get things done. I need that down time prior to Thanksgiving to gear up for the holidays. It was a combination of having rested the two days prior and of desperation to have a productive holiday that gave me the energy that was needed to work all day Saturday to make my home a lovelier place to exist.

I was going to get down on myself for not having the house decorated, the presents purchased and shipped, the letter written, picture taken and cards posted, but I decided to not beat myself up this year. Since every year is the same, I have realized that I need that relaxing time to gear up for the pre-Christmas clean/errand rush. I have also recently decided to focus on the things that I actually DID get done (even if you can’t see the results), rather than get upset that my to-do list actually grew instead of shrunk over the holiday.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Check in

Physically – Better. I spent the first part of the week nauseated and hugging my bottle of Pepto Bismol. I feel much better now. I haven’t lost any weight, but I don’t feel as fat. I must be less bloated or something. I have been caffeine free all week and I believe that has contributed to my feeling of well-being today.

Emotionally – Still sad, but not sobbing uncontrollably. The music I’ve been listening to has been really melancholy, and I’ve been spending time remembering things from the past. Thankfully, none of this is preventing me from living a meaningful life.

Spiritually – Still on an even keel. I feel the possibility of slipping as this time of year is hard on me spiritually. I hate all the forced goodwill toward man stuff. I feel like we should be striving for this all year, not just during the holidays.

Goal – Last week the goal was to walk the dog every day. I only made it two days. Life and illness got in the way, so my goal is the same this week: to walk the dog every day.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Thanksgiving post

I’m thankful for the passing of time.

I’m thankful for my warm, cozy, snuggly bed.

I’m thankful for my fabulous hairdresser.

I’m thankful for shoes.

I’m thankful for nail polish.

I’m thankful for my boys.

I’m thankful for my Orso.

I’m thankful for good music.

I’m thankful for health and strength - of the body and of the mind.

I’m thankful that our basic needs are met and then some; food, clothing, shelter.

I’m thankful for pretty things.

I’m thankful for precipitation.

I'm thankful that every day, I have a reason to smile.

I know that there is a lot of ranting and raving and whining and moaning on this blog. I just thought I should let you know that I have a lot to be thankful for – at this time of year and always. I am grateful for all of those things and more.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Five Years

Five years. That’s what they tell you when you have cancer. Five years before they’ll even consider you in remission – they won’t even say the word remission until it’s been five years since end of treatment.

Five years has been on my mind for the last five years. Not consciously –it’s just been in the back of my brain. Just sitting there minding its’ own business and hanging out taking up valuable space in my head. When I vacuum, it politely lifts its’ feet while doing the New York Times crossword puzzle. It’s been like a cloud hovering over my head. I’ve accepted its’ existence as a part of my life and mostly ignored it. Occasionally it rears its’ ugly head and reminds me that it exists, but normally it just minds its’ own business which I have appreciated.

The more time that passes, the less I think about it. The less I think about the possibility of it returning and the more grateful I am for the time that has passed.

With cancer, time can be your enemy or your friend. Your enemy if you let too much time pass before you do something to detect the cancer and try to kill it. Time is your friend after treatment. The more time passes after treatment, the more chance you have of surviving it and not having it come back.

With childhood cancers, early detection is moot. There would be screenings for childhood cancers if early detection was a key. Usually once the symptoms have reared their ugly head, the cancer is advanced to stage three or four and the cancer is either treatable or not.

That’s what happened to us. Five years ago my beautiful, happy, darling Dewey started limping around, complaining of pain, refusing to eat, and had a low grade fever. After multiple trips to the doctor and emergency room, he was diagnosed with Stage IV Neuroblastoma. He had just turned three years old.

Five years ago, at Thanksgiving, Dewey refused to eat or drink. The only comfort he had was sitting on my lap, or lying motionless on the couch. He was so thin he looked like a famine victim. He was in so much pain, he was miserable, and I couldn’t make the hurts go away. It was the worst time of my life.

He was lying in his bed and I was snuggling with him trying to give him comfort, not knowing what was wrong or what I could do to make the pain go away. He whispered to me, “I don’t want to die.” I told him, “Then don’t!” So he didn’t.

This time of year is always hard for me because I remember that trying time so vividly. Watching your child waste away and standing by powerless is one of the most heartbreaking things that can ever happen to you.

We don’t talk about it a lot, because I don’t want this to define him.

I just thought I would put this out there because “five years” has been on my mind a lot this past month. Also, for any of you who are suffering, I want you to know that I’ve suffered too. If I could, I would come over and hold your hand and rub your back and let you cry into my shoulder and listen and nod my head. Because I’ve been there.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Dr. Pepper Dilema


How are ya?

I love Dr. Pepper.

There used to be a time in my life where I couldn’t drive past a 7-11 without getting a Dr. Pepper Big Gulp. Whenever I would discover myself needing it, I would cut it out of my life. Cold Turkey. No more Dr. Pepper for YOU!

As I have become older, my resolve has weakened. I am no longer strong enough to cut Dr. Pepper out of my life for a long enough period of time.

It’s just that it’s so cheap! Ninety-five cents at the fountain with my re-fillable cup!

It’s just that it’s so yummy! It is so good.

It’s just that I can get so much more done around the house when I drink it every day! I tried weaning myself off by switching to rootbeer only to discover that it had caffeine too. The way I discovered this was that I had so much energy even though I wasn’t sleeping as well as I do when I’m off caffeine, so I suspected that Barq’s rootbeer had caffeine. One Google search later and my suspicions were confirmed. Well DARN it! If I’m gonna have caffeine, I may as well have Dr. Pepper because I like it so much more.

It’s just that it makes me so happy when I drink it because it is so yummy.

So those were the pros. Here are the cons:

Never in my life have I weighed this much without a baby in my tummy. Never in my life have I drank pop on a regular basis like I do now

It makes me jumpy and jittery and unable to focus.

I don’t sleep well which makes me grumpy.

My skin looks terrible.

PMS is fifteen times worse.

The yelling.

The sugar.

I don’t eat well because I don’t feel well because of the not eating well and the not sleeping well and the jittery jumpy grumpy yellingness.

I need to cut this out of my life. It is having a horrible negative effect on my life. I’m too weak to not need it. I need to get past the hump of needing it so much. Weaning myself off is not working. I need to CUT. IT. OUT. Cold Turkey. Like I used to.

Imagine, if you will, the debate in my head:

But I’m an adult and I should be able to do what I want.

No. This is bad for you. Very, very bad.

It’s not like I’m drinking or addicted to drugs or anything.

But you are addicted, it’s bad for you, you know it and you can’t stop yourself. It is controlling you. You need to stop.

But –

But it’s affecting your family. You need to stop.

Okay, you’re right, I see your point. Tommorrow, okay?

Monday, November 19, 2012

Adventures in iTunes

I am the first to admit that I can be late to the party on many things. I am a lover and hater of technology. I love it for what it can do, but I hate it because it intimidates the crap out of me.

I am surprisingly old school when it comes to music. I was still buying CDs in 2006. My sister sent me a couple of iTunes and I never got them because I couldn’t figure out how to download them even though I had iTunes on my computer. I had only used it to upload my music from CDs. I received a 4G iPod Nano in 2006 for Christmas, but it wasn’t until someone gave me an iTunes gift card that I actually sat down and tried to figure out this whole electronic music thingy.

I have since upgraded to an iPod Touch because I need more memory for more songs.

I used to DJ dances in the early nineties– for fun, not for a living – so I had a LOT of CDs. When I got married in 1997, I brought with me over 600 CDs.

I’ve mentioned before that I used to buy a whole CD for just one song. With the advent of iTunes, I was able to buy just the one song for ninety-nine cents. It was like a whole new world had opened up to me! I have been buying song after song after song. I have a wishlist on iTunes that if I bought everything on the wishlist it would cost me around two HUNDRED dollars. I also have a list on my iPod Touch with hundreds more songs on it. I add to the iPod list when I am away from my computer and hear a song that I need to add to my ever growing list of music that I need.

Trust me, I NEED this music. I would die with out it.

Most of the songs I’ve been buying are ones that I couldn’t afford when I was just spending my babysitting money on music and I had to choose between a pair of shoes or really cute earrings and a cassette tape and the shoes usually won unless there was a REALLY good album, like Black Celebration or Notorious or something.

Since I jumped on the iTunes wagon, I have realized that I haven’t bought an album in a long time. I never bought an album until I had heard three songs that I liked. If I liked at least three songs, then the album would be worth my $9.99. The greatest thing about that would be that there would be songs on the album that weren’t played on the radio that were awesome! I would be able to discover these hidden secrets that other people who just listened to the radio wouldn’t know about. I loved that power. Some of my favourite songs are ones that are just on the album and were never played on the radio.

Slowly but surely, as I’m getting to know new artists, I am buying albums on iTunes. I am still sticking to my three song rule, so by the time I’ve bought three songs, the album only costs me ten bucks! I’m still so cheap that I’ll only spend ten dollars on an album.

Last album bought on CD: Weezer – The Red Album
First album bought on iTunes: The Black Keys – Brothers

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Currently - November in Review

I got this idea from the demure muse. I liked it and I think I will use it too:

Loving: Saying hello again to my tights and sweaters. As much as I loved this summer and I hated to see it go, with the recent snow, it’s so nice to get bundled up in my cozy clothes. Also loving the recent snowfall.

Reading: The Hormone Diet – Technically, I am avoiding reading it as I know I need to change my diet, but I don’t want to and the more I read the more complicated things seem to get and I can’t wait to get to the recipes at the end and get myself healthy again, but it’s so boring…
I am also reading Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets with Dewey, and The Lord of the Rings with Huey. Dewey is not a lover of reading like Huey, but I have found something that he loves, so it’s great. I haven’t read with Huey since he learned to read on his own, but I have noticed that since I’ve been reading regularly with Dewey that he feels left out, so even though he doesn’t need me to read to him, he needs me to read to him and have that one on one time. I’m so excited to be reading these books with my boys. It’s been twenty years since I read The Lord of the Rings, and I’m so glad to be sharing these awesome stories with my boys.

Watching: Dancing with the Stars, The New Girl, Parenthood, and the Good Wife. I am grateful for a DVR so that I can catch up while ironing and folding laundry, otherwise I would watch NO television.

Anticipating: The future. Something good is coming, I can feel it, I just don’t know what it is.

Listening: so many good things out there. Just bought the Breaking Dawn Part 2 soundtrack, so that. (I told you not to judge me!)

Planning: On getting Christmas taken care of before Thanksgiving!

Working on: Getting the garage cleaned out and rid of all the things the boys have outgrown since we’re not having any more babies.

Wishing: That our family was more happy.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Check in

Gonna try this therapy type thingy that I got from Josh Weed. Looks like it might help.

It’s called a weekly Check-in. The rules are that you’re not allowed to say “good”.

Physically – I feel fat. All year long I have been trying to lose weight, but haven’t made ANY progress whatsoever. I have tried and tried and tried to stay away from the Dr. Pepper and the cheeseburgers and to walk the dog consistently. When I have accomplished those things, I have seen success. Unfortunately, I have fallen off the wagon about a thousand times (give or take) and am still at square one. I’m on the border of none of my clothes fitting.

Emotionally – I am a wreck. Several times a week I have to pull my car over to the side of the road because I am sobbing. Heart broken, uncontrollable, inconsolable, Niagra falls tears sobbing. I am so lonely and sad. I am so worried about my boys.

Spiritually – I am okay. I am not overwhelmed with spiritual goodness, but I am also not on a downward spiral, so that is a good thing. I feel like I am on good terms with God right now. I am good with Him and He is good with me. Church is not awful and I am able to attend the temple, pray and read my scriptures regularly. I am in a good place spiritually.

Goal – My goal this week is to walk the dog every day at least once for half an hour.

See you next week – hopefully sooner.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Man Handbook

I love holding hands with this man
So I was going to post this ranty men-are-stupid post about how DH was absent the day they handed out the Man-Handbook, but then I went to this Marriage Improvement/Family Communication fireside and it was stressed how we should not vent publicly about our spouses, so I’m just going to talk about how much I miss him because he is well aware of how I feel about this.

When Huey was born, DH changed his schedule so that he would be home during the day while I worked and he would work nights while I was home. That way one parent was home with the baby at all times. It worked out great as DH would come home for dinner and we could have family time at night. He usually worked weekends, so there were a couple of weeknights that he didn’t work so was home all night.

Lately he hasn’t been coming home for dinner, so we can go for weeks without seeing Daddy.

This sucks for many reasons:
  1. I am left alone every evening to do the running around and grocery shopping and laundry and dishes and dinner and blah blah blah…
  2. I feel like a single parent
  3. The boys miss their dad and they express it by acting out and fighting with each other causing me to constantly drop what I’m doing to referee.
  4. I have no time to myself. By the end of the day I am exhausted. I barely have time for the boys.
  5. I miss DH.
  6. DH is frustrated because he misses his family so he’s grumpy and takes it out on us when he IS home making me not want to encourage him to come home.
This used to work so well. DH would take the boys to the doctor and the dentist and do the grocery shopping and running around and dealing with the bills during the day. I would come home and do the laundry and the dishes and the cooking and homework, but lately it seems like everything has ended up on my shoulders. DH takes off on the weekend with Huey for Scouts sometimes, or he has other obligations, or he’s so happy to be with his family that he wants to go do some activity as a family which is a good thing but leaves me with zero free time.

He’s a really good guy. He gives the best hugs. He cares about things. He’s kind and honest and true and tall and handsome. I haven’t seen that side of him in a long time because I hardly ever see him when he’s awake. I miss having down time with him. Sometimes I can go for weeks without looking him in the eye. Usually it’s just days, but this is not acceptable.

The thing that sucks the most is that I have no control over this situation. It is what it is, and we just have to deal right now and everything about this sucks.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Dark Chocolate

I love love love love love LOVE dark chocolate. The darker the better. I even like the colour. That milk chocolate crap is just not for me. Give me the darkest, most bitter dark chocolate or give me death!!

I used to sneak all the baking chocolate out of my mother’s baking cabinet and eat it. THAT’s how bitter I like my chocolate.

I like to think of myself as a purist that way. I like my chocolate pure: not watered down with milk or sweetened up with sugar.

I wonder if this correlates with my love of the dark side?