Saturday, October 19, 2013

I'm Back, Baby!

I know that I wrote about September sucking, and I really meant it.

I've been doing this thing this year where I've been looking at the number of blog posts last year and trying to beat each month. So far, I've totally done that and I'm so proud. I noticed that my posts were really low last year in Sept and there were none in Oct.

Usually when I go through a period of radio silence it's because I'm going through a blue period and I can't function in public. My mum calls it "going into (my) cave". I'm sure other people who deal with depression do the same thing. I go through these periods where it's really hard to get out of bed and difficult to function and I feel like I just should not be around humans. Nothing sounds good, I'm completely unmotivated, and it's all I can do to get up, go to work, and make sure the boys stay alive by feeding and clothing them. I don't feel like anything; reading, eating, getting dressed, writing, nail polish, etc. Listening to music is painful; nothing sounds good, there are no good songs, and I can't get out of my funk.

So far, the only cure is tie a knot and hold on, and time. Hopefully I will be able to figure out a better resolution, but this is what has worked for me for the last forty years or so.

I'm happy to report that I'm out of that - the evidence is in the library hold list. When I'm blue, I can't read. It's just not interesting, and I find my mind wanders too much and my brain starts to cycle and I can't pay attention any way, so I just give up. Just recently, I got inspired to read again, and I have 5 books on hold at the library, and three on my night stand. The books on hold are ones that are already checked out, so I have to wait my turn, which is fine, I like to use the library hold system as a lottery system; whichever book comes off hold first is the winner and therefore the one I read next. I actually went for several months where I was waiting for nothing on hold. It was a weird experience.

I'm really looking forward to reading some things that I can really love and sink my teeth into. Books that take less than a week to read because I actually have the desire to make the time to read.


  1. Ah yes, the disappearing during depression. My sister (well, along with half of my family) suffers from it pretty severely off and on, despite help from medications, etc. I always get panicked that things are not good when she become silent for awhile. So much so that if any of my friends aren't simply jabbering as much as usual I assume they are in utter despair -- when sometimes they are just busy.

    BUT! Hurrah for books on hold! Like you, I love to put a bunch on hold and just see which lucky number one I get to read first. Sometimes it backfires and like ten become available at the same second. When I lived in WA, they would actually MAIL your on hold books to your home! WHAT? It was grand waiting for a surprise book to show up in my mailbox.

  2. I love the "lottery winner" process of having books on hold, but yeah, the times when they all come up at once and now I have 10 books to read is almost MORE stressful. Or the book turns out to be a dud, and takes forever to read. I'm going through that right now. I can't not finish a book, but I'm seriously considering giving up on this one as I have two more stacked on my night table.
    That's so cool about the librarys in WA, but if they mail your books to you, what ever will push you to leave your house?

    1. Ugh! I spelled "libraries" incorrectly. What is wrong with me? Rantgirl! Go to the corner!!

    2. Haha. Well. You still have to return the books yourself. Sigh . . .