Monday, November 25, 2013

Desperately seeking NSLP

The definition of NSLP has been explained wonderfully over at hellogiggles.

For those of you not interested in links, NSLP stands for Non-Sexual Life Partner.

I have wonderful friends whom I love dearly, but they all live far, far away. Berit lives in New Mexico, Jenn in Las Vegas, Stef and Tara in Canada (along with my mum and sisters and many others), and Kate in New Zealand. I would walk five thousand miles or take a bullet or donate a gallon of blood for any of those girls, but the problem is, those girls are not here. I can't call them and be with them in an instant.

So far I've been okay with not having a local bestie. I have DH, and I rarely have free time, so I don't have a lot of time to be lonely, and I really don't mind going places alone and doing things by myself. I'm not one of these girls that can't go to the bathroom by themselves.

It's just that sometimes I need someone to do the things that I love that DH has no desire in doing with me. Like geeking out over certain books or movies. Or nail polish; or Barbies, or shoes, or Superman. I know that the internet is great for connecting with people who have like interests, but sometimes you want to go to a book signing, or comic-con and it's more fun to do that in person, and with someone else. I got together with some girls in my neighbourhood to see a screening of Austenland where there was a question and answer with Shannon Hale. We all went to dinner beforehand and had a BLAST. The movie was HILARIOUS, we ate cookies from the Blue Lemon, and we enjoyed blasting all the critics that said the movie was junk afterwards. I need more of that.

Sometimes it's good for me to get out of my cave and interact with other female humans, so this is what I need:

Applicants need not be married, or have children, but it's nice to have that in common.
Must be available when I'm available.
Must tolerate sarcasm and biting wit.
Must be able to endure the things that come out of my mouth that will totally be embarrassing to us both.
Must realize that while I am an active and participating member of the LDS Church, I occasionally swear, tell naughty jokes, yell at my kids, and drink Dr. Pepper, and needs to be okay with this and not judge me nor tell me that I won't get into the celestial kingdom for acting like I do, and then not be shocked when I'm reverent and respectful and bear my testimony.
Must either a) understand that I speak in a language of cultural references, or b) get all the cultural references. I tend to quote the following on a regular basis: Monty Python, Gilmore Girls, Absolutely Fabulous, and Twilight. (sorry, I'm not sorry) I also quote lines from songs from both popular and alternative music.
I will assign you a song; that song will make me think of you every time I hear it, and I may sing that song every time you see me. In turn, you can sing the Kelly, Kelly, Kelly song from Cheers to me. If I don't know a song, I will make one up. It may or may not be stupid, but you still have to put up with it.
Know that I get crushes on other people and things, but they will never, ever take the place of my Darling Husband. He's stuck with me for eternity. You don't need to worry about this, even if it looks like you do.
Things come in threes for me. I have issue with things that do not come in threes.
I appear fearless, but I am a big, fat, yellow chicken. I need someone who will see past the bravado and understand that there are times when I will thank you for taking me by the hand and dragging me to do certain things, like shop at M.A.C. or help me to find the perfect black trousers. On the other hand, I need you to respect that I'm a chicken, and not ready for many experiences, but I'm also open minded, so I'll eventually come around, but if it's something YOU are afraid to do and need a friend, then I am SO there for you, sister!
We don't need to be the same age, but it will help if you get all the things that I'm talking about that are from the seventies, eighties, nineties, and beyond. Sometimes I'm nostalgic for the forties, fifties, and sixties too, even though I wasn't born yet. I'm a weirdo.
I contradict myself all the time. Get used to it, and don't call me a hypocrite.
I say what I mean and I mean what I say, but I reserve the right to go back on my word when it comes to my opinion. If I tell you I will do something for you though, I will do it. Just maybe not according to your time table.
I am a Class A flake. I hate this about myself, but I'm not sure I can fix it. I will try my hardest for you though, because you will put up with my crap and you understand me.
I love all dogs; you cannot be a cat person/dog hater.

I am superficial, shallow and really hard to get to know. I appear open but am in fact super closed. If you can see past this and be patient, you will have a loyal friend for LIFE.

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