Wednesday, December 4, 2013

What's up?

What's up? I'm on vacation right now. I'm not on holiday, but I'm off work. I usually take the first week of December off so that I can get all organized and ready for Christmas so that I can enjoy the season and relax. Everyone keeps asking me where I'm going for my vacation. Am I totally weird for not going anywhere? Last year I went home and that was totally excellent, but I made the right choice by staying home this year.

I've been pretending that I don't work anymore and that I'm a stay at home mom, which is my ultimate fantasy. It's been great for the most part. I get up with the boys every morning and get them ready for school, come home, have some personal time, and then work on deep cleaning the house. I got the tree up on Monday, yesterday I got rid of all the dog hair, piles of magazines in my room, and organized my shoes. I've finished three books, wrote some blog posts, gotten the Christmas shopping done, and even had a nooner with DH.

It's been really great, but the house is still cluttered. I'm no where near where I want to be, and I have to go back to work in a few days, so now I'm all depressed. I haven't done anything this morning because I just felt like I needed to take a break, but I have that nagging nittering feeling in the back of my mind reminding me of all the things I still need to do and that I'm running out of time. I hate that feeling. It's like the White Rabbit running through my brain reminding me that I'm going to be late!!

I've loved being home. I really have. I've been able to get a lot accomplished. It was really amazing when I got up this morning and I didn't trip over the pile of magazines by my bed. I can look out of the sparkling clean windows and watch the snow melt. I hate that I have to go back to work. I feel like I haven't gotten enough accomplished, and that I haven't had enough time off. It's so depressing to have to go back to the old routine where I have zero time to myself, and barely get the dishes and the laundry done. I've loved being able to watch Huey walk down the street towards his bus stop, and come home after dropping Dewey at school, and seeing how happy Orso is to have someone home with him. I've loved the peace and quiet as I eat my breakfast and look outside. I love listening to music while I work around the house and not being interrupted by anyone wrestling, fighting, or asking me for help or to tell them where something is. I love having this alone time during the day. I love that I can get bored, but that there's so much to do,  that the feeling soon passes as I am able to busy myself with the many projects that nag at me. The greatest thing is that I've been able to attack the project and actually complete it, instead of start on it, run out of time, and have to come back to it some other time , and who knows when that will be?

I've been thinking how awesome it would be to just be home all the time, but now I worry that I would feel guilty for just sitting and taking a break. Like I am now. I feel guilty because I'm not cleaning the bathroom and DH will be home in half an hour and ask me what I've done all day. If I wasn't working full-time, and this was my full-time job, then if I took a break, would I be acting lazy?

Ugh, I hate that my over-thinking everything ruins all my fun.

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