This blogging thing has its benefits. When I have thoughts bouncing around in my head, the only way to get them out is to either a) say them out loud, or b) write them down. I don’t usually have the time to write things down, thus I talk. A lot. More than I should.
I’ve also found that saying things out loud tends to make them bigger, but writing them down just helps me to get them out, get them in order, and make them go away. Blogging yesterday was a good purge, but not necessarily the best forum. Maybe next time I’ll just write it in my journal.
I do keep a journal, but it’s for the deepest darkest weirdest most inappropriate thoughts that I need to quit dwelling on and just get out of my head already. Yes, there are more deep, much more dark, and weirder thoughts in my head than what gets posted here.
So for the one other person reading my blog (hi, Jezz!), I just wanted to let you know that I’m okay. Not better, but okay. I don’t feel like that every day. Just feeling a little hopeless lately, but not so hopeless that I don’t know that I will get through this and life will be hunky dory later.
In the interest of full disclosure, however, I think it’s good to put out there that not everything is sunshine and roses. I think it’s nice to read that other people want to give up on themselves and have times of woe. It’s refreshing to read about other people who struggle with their self worth. It’s good to know that you are not the only one out there. It’s comforting to know that you are not alone. Others feel sad too.
I had this experience on my mission where there was this girl who hated me. She hated being around me and couldn’t stand even the sight of me. She complained to my mission companion about me constantly. My companion finally got fed up with her and told her that if she had such a problem with me then she needed to resolve it with me.
So she pulled me aside and listed off all the reasons why she didn’t like me. First of all, I was completely taken off guard because I had NO IDEA that she didn’t like me. Also, I really liked her, so it knocked me right on my butt to have all this vitriolic negativity come hurtling at me from left field. Secondly, her main reason for disliking me was because I WAS SO PERFECT. I had no flaws.
Double-you. Tee. EFF.
That’s dumb. You hate a person because they’re perfect? That’s super dumb. That’s on you. That’s YOUR problem, not mine. How do you expect me to fix this problem? Be NOT perfect? Um, no, but thanks for your advice. Have a nice day!
Also, I am SO imperfect. If she had taken the time to get to know me, she would know how excellently imperfect I am, but whatever. That was over twenty years ago.
Months later I ran into her again and she told me how happy she was to see me and how great I was and all this blabbity blah. It was too bad that she hated me so much, we probably could have been really good friends.
So to make my point, sometimes to avoid people hating you, you should allow them to see your flawed imperfectness.
My point is that it makes you more human when people can see all of you, not just the face you show the public.