Thursday, February 16, 2012

No Good

You probably shouldn't read this post. Especially if you know me. Definitely shouldn't read it if you like or care about me.

I've been feeling really blue and melancholy lately. I feel like crying all the time, but I don't. It's like the morning sickness I had when pregnant with Huey. I felt like I was going to throw up all the time, but I never did. I often wished that I would puke already and get it over with. I learned that if I ate before I got hungry, then I would not feel sick so much. I kinda wish I could just bawl my eyes out and get it over with, but I can't cry. I just feel on the verge of tears.

Sidebar: Here's something that I like to listen to when I'm feeling blue.

When I was growing up I would have quarterly meltdowns. Things would build and build and build, and then I would explode in a mess of tears and snot and I-can't-do-anything and I-wish-I-would-disappear and I'm-not-good-for-anything. My mother would try to calm me down, but it was futile. After I came down from my tantrum, she would try to encourage me to not let things build up, but deal with each thing as it happened.

Try as I might in my life, I have found that to be impossible. I have also found that I think that I DO deal with things as they come, they just tend to affect me in different ways at different times.

It's kind of like that scene in "When Harry Met Sally" when Sally calls Harry to come over because she just found out that her ex was getting married. She was moaning and whining to Harry about how terrible she is and things kept coming up and she said "and I'm going to be FORTY!"

That's how I get. I feel like nothing's good about me, and the deeper I get into my downward spiral, the more things I think of that are terrible. And down, down, down the rabbit hole I go.

It's like I'm in a deep pool and I don't have the strength to kick myself to the surface, so I have to sink to the bottom so that I can push myself back up to the top.

I feel like it would be better off if I never existed. Like everyone would be better off without me. Like nothing's good and I should just disappear because I just bring everyone down and I don't contribute anything. I get so down on myself and these thoughts of nothingness just bounce around and around inside my head and my self-talk becomes extremely destructive. I hear all the criticisms I've ever heard in my life and nothing good can squeeze through the cracks.

I get so deeply stuck inside my own head. I'm my own worst enemy. I tell myself these terrible horrible things about me and I believe them. I can't talk myself out of myself. If that makes sense. I'm not very good with the affirmations. I can't even look myself in the eye because I am so ashamed of myself. Of this pathetic shell of a person that I've become. How I'm so scared to be happy that I've become numb. I'm afraid to feel because I'm afraid of feeling bad. But I feel so bad. And so not happy. Sometimes, not all the time.

I can't.

I can't get motivated. I can't help my boys be sucessful. I can't keep the house clean. My job bores the HECK out of me. I hate myself. I'm no fun. Everything is bleah. AND I'M ALREADY FORTY!

(you were supposed to laugh there)

I can't make my husband happy. I can't get organized. I can't get caught up. I can't do anything good for myself because I haven't done my chores and I don't have the time and that's so selfish.

It's not so much that I can't, more that I don't want to. I just want to sit on the couch and watch movies and do nothing and not talk to anyone and not have anyone talk to me and not feel anything real. I just want to feel through those fake people on the screen. I don't want to eat anything and I don't want to do anything that's good for me. I don't want to do anything that will make me feel better, but I do want to do things that will give me pleasure. Those things are (in order) sex, Dr. Pepper, and cheeseburgers.

Sex is temporary and doesn't give lasting pleasure, but just makes me crave it more, Dr. Pepper makes it so that I'm jittery and can't sleep, and cheeseburgers make me fat. None of these things make me feel better for more than half an hour. Sex is the only thing of the three that are good for me, but eventually you have to put your clothes back on and deal with your life. Right now, that is so not fun. Right now my life is so boring.

I'm so tired all the time because I'm so bored. Nothing is fun.

I know exactly what I need to do to make my life better, but I have no motivation to do it because I have such a low opinion of myself. Why should I do something good for someone who is so pathetic and low. She doesn't deserve it because she is so not good enough.

I am not good enough.

I should just disappear.

It would be better for everyone if I never existed.

I am a terrible mother.

I am fat and ugly. I hate looking at myself.

I can't stand myself.

I miss the ocean and I am so homesick I can hardly stand it.

There is nothing good on the radio.

My clothes are not cool.

I drive a frickin' Hyundai!

My house is a mess and it's not decorated.

I hate cooking for my family.

Nothing is the way I envisioned it to be.

I just want to run away and take my dog with me. He's the only one that I deserve to be around. He's the only one that doesn't ask for anything. He just gives and dosen't expect anything in return. He makes me feel good. Everything we do is the best ever.

I think I need to spend more time with my dog. I can't afford not to.

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