Rebuttal

This is my THIRD attempt at sitting down and following up on my post from Feb 16.

I keep getting distracted with tangents. Good tangents. It feels good to write. REALLY good. Really, really, really good.

As you know, I've been in a dark spirally place lately and I'm letting it just be out there and I'm feeling all exposed and terrified. That's still true.

I went through something a year ago and I went to a counselor about it and she advised me to allow some good in my life. No. That's not quite right. She INSTRUCTED me to do something good for myself and DEMANDED that I allow myself some good.

She also advised me to write it all out.

In this post I talked about fear of looking imperfect. Well, you should have SEEN how well groomed I was when I went to meet this counselor. There was no WAY I was going to allow her to see how incredibly flawed I was. Nails were done. Make-up: flawless. Hair: perfect. No lint or dog hair: check. Yeah she saw right through me. THANK. GOODNESS.

I can't play poker because you can read my face like a book. I have the definition of the opposite of a poker face.

I heeded her advice/instructions (whatever) and made a list of good things. I started wearing make-up more often and started looking myself in the eye. I started wearing perfume on a daily basis instead of just for church or special occasions. I started wearing nail polish. I started making the time to do my nails so that I could wear nail polish.

In the last few months all that has gone by the wayside. I have gone off track. I have let myself talk myself out of the good. Thus the downward spiral.

Yesterday, as I hugged Dewey goodbye before he left for school, he said "you smell like Sunday". I was wearing the perfume I usually wear to church. I thought it was so cute.

I've been trying to fight myself, my own worst enemy, and rebel against the negative voice in my head and allow good back in.

Here are some of the good things:

It's good that I'm in my head so much too. I really think about things. I think and think and think. Because of this I can see all the angles. I see all sides. I debate things out in my head. I think things all the way through. I think things sideways. I think things up-side-down. It makes me creative. It helps me to empathize and sympathize. It makes me see the little things. It makes me smart. It makes me not think like everyone else. It makes me good.

I CAN look myself in the eye. I do not need to be ashamed of myself because I am NOT a shell. I am whole and I am real. I am not pathetic.

I CAN SO.

I can get the house clean. So what if it's not perfect? It's not like Child Protective Services is going to come along and declare our home a disaster site. I can get it clean enough. It just won't be House Beautiful perfect.

Yeah, stuff is boring and bleah, but that's life.

I was actually looking forward to being forty, and I'm mostly okay with it. My life has most definitely not been wasted. I am not a waste.

I really can't make my husband happy, but it's not my responsibility to MAKE him happy. He needs to achieve that on his own.

I CAN get motivated, just not right now.

I have gone from eating fast food and drinking Dr. Pepper 5 times a week to once a week with success. I have seen improvements in how I feel and in how I weigh. I just need to keep up the good work and not go off the bandwagon. I have the self control I need. Next is seeing if I can go two weeks without. I know I can do it.

I can motivate myself and I DO deserve it because I am awesome.

I AM good enough.

If I disappeared I wouldn’t be here and that would be sad.

It would not be better if I’d never existed.

I love my boys and they know it. I am not a terrible mother. I’m just not June Cleaver nor Carol Brady and they are not real people.

I am not fat nor ugly and there are lots of times where I’m okay with looking at myself. Even when I’m naked – that’s saying something!

I’m pretty awesome.

I do miss the ocean and I get homesick. It’s hard to stand, but I can visit and I have great memories.

I have a pretty extensive music collection that I can turn to when there’s nothing good on the radio. It’s not the universe trying to tell me something.

My clothes are not cool because I have a conservative job so I have conservative clothes. My shoes are pretty cool. Also, I don’t go anywhere cool, so what do I need cool clothes for? AND, some of my clothes are cool.

So I drive a Hyundai. It was the first brand new car I ever owned. It gets me where I need to be. It’s not like I drive anywhere that I need to roll up in some fabulous car.

My house can be cleaned and decorated – and it will be.

I’m a pretty good cook.

I envisioned that I would be married in the temple, have some children and a dog and live in a house. All of those things are not only true, but I love my husband, children, dog and house.

Everyone has their moments when they want to run away.

It’s true that I need to spend more time with my dog. He does love me the most, but that’s because he’s a dog and that’s what dogs do.

I'm off to walk my dog now, bye!