Friday, March 2, 2012

All Done

I’m forty years old.

I have been blessed with children. Two sons. I had Huey when I was in my twenties and Dewey when I was in my thirties. I thought that perhaps I would have my last one in my forties. I didn’t think I was quite done with having babies.

I am healthy, strong, and have no diseases, so I thought it wouldn’t be a problem.

My husband and I have discussed this at length. We had decided that we were not done with babies, but had a trip to Kauai planned for December, so we had decided that when we got home from Kauai that we would maybe start trying and see where things took us.

We’ve been back from Kauai for almost three months and we are still using birth control. I turned to my husband the other day and asked, “so... are we done?” He hemmed and hawed a little, and then I said “I think we’re done”, so we sort of came to the conclusion that we’re done.

This is weird.

I’m so sad. I’m so relieved. I see pregnant women and brand new babies everywhere now. I yearn and long for that to be us, but then I come back to reality and realize that my time has come and gone. (my mother is letting out an enormous sigh of relief right now)

I love my children and I’m so grateful for them. It’s just sad to come to this conclusion in my life. It’s the end of an era.

I’ve gone and packed up my adorable maternity clothes and I’m giving them to someone who I love deeply that is having her first child. I’m glad they’re going to a better place.

Every time I come across an article of clothing that Dewey has outgrown, it immediately goes in the donate pile. No need to save his clothes for a future child. That child is not coming. This makes me mournful and sad.

I have the enormous task of going through all my baby clothes and things. Some of my favourites I will be keeping for future grandchildren, but most of it is going away.

Never again will I feel a life growing inside of me. Never again will I experience the twinkle in my husband’s eye when the pregnancy test comes up positive. Never again will I hold a newborn life in my arms and look into their eyes and experience that “yes, I’m your momma” moment.

It's not fair! I only got to have two children!!

I feel like I’m mourning the loss of my future children. I know there are none out there for me and that makes me even more sad becaus I know it is over.

I have come to the time in life where I get to look forward to grandchildren. Considering that Huey is only eleven years old, I have some time to wait and prepare.

I feel empty and broken. I feel like my purpose in life is gone. I feel like my condition as a woman has gone by the wayside. I am still a fertile female, but that fertility is moot. I no longer have the need to be fertile as I no longer will be having children.

I know that this is the right decision for us and our family. I will soon be okay with not having any more babies. It’s a weird phase to go through. Eventually I won’t be sad when a friend confides in me that “I’m pregnant!” knowing that that will never again be me.

I am so happy for my friends that are having babies. My very best bud who is the same age as me is having her first child in June. She will be the best mother. She was the one that I had decided would be the boys’ guardian if my husband and I were ever to die at the same time. I am over the moon with joy for her. She waited so very long for this moment and has been through so much in her life. She totally deserves this joy.

I know that eventually the mourning period will end, but for now, I am mourning the loss of my baby making time.

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