Spinning Wheels; Round and Round

I have found myself from time to time wishing for an accident or an illness just so I can have some down time. I find myself wishing and dreaming for an extended absence so that I can sort my brain out, or turn it off, or get some rest. You would think that this time of year would be a good time to have nothing to do, but I’ve been really busy lately just with regular life stuff. I feel like I’ve been spinning my wheels; working and working and working and getting nothing done. I guess the wishing for the time off would be an excuse for getting nothing done.

I yearn for quiet, for peace, for nothingness; to run away where no one needs me for anything.

Sometimes I wish that I was manic depressive instead of just depressed so that I could have those manic episodes so that I could go and go and go and be totally obsessed by something enough to work at it until it’s done and not have to sleep or take a break or anything because I’m tired.

I also wish that I could be a vampire for similar reasons. If I was a vampire I wouldn’t have to have any down time – I wouldn’t get too tired, so I could get things done. Imagine all the free time I could have if I didn’t have to sleep!

I’ve been so tired lately. I don’t know if it’s because of the change in medication, the time of year, the weather, or my brain chemistry. My brain has just been going and going and going and I can’t get it to stop. It’s like my brain has been running full steam ahead on this hamster wheel and I can’t get it to stop. It's exhausting.

Usually writing helps with this, but I haven’t been able to concentrate long enough to focus on one thing to write about. It just seems to be a gobbeldy gook of random everything. I’m thinking about everything all at once and I can’t organize my brain and I can’t tune anything out and the noises in my head….

Imagine yourself, standing in a dark room and you are the only thing lit up. You are reading a long list like a to-do list out loud. Now imagine twenty-five thousand of these images all with different lists. That’s what’s going on in my brain; except it’s me, not you reading the to-do list. I can’t turn my voices off.

I have also discovered that I am very sensitive to the feelings of others. I’ve always sort of known that, but I have realized that this is not just empathy – this is something more. When others are worried or stressed, it stresses me out too; I can physically feel it.

I need to recognize the warning signs. I’ve been feeling so harried and worried and wishing for a tragedy so that I can take time off. It all took its’ toll on me on Sunday and I had a break down. To the point where I was worried that DH was going to have me committed and I didn’t mind because I could really use the break.

I like to call it Yogaaaaaaah

My main goal this year has been to get back to the gym. It used to be my home away from home, my sanctuary. I’ve been twice this year and both times I went have been the greatest thing ever. I want to run away and live at the gym.

I have never participated in the classes at my gym. I’ve always been too chicken to join in. It seems like all the cool girls go to classes with their friends and seeing that I am neither cool nor have any friends, I’m afraid that I would be a sore thumb. Or a square peg. (Fun Fact, did you know that The Waitresses sang the theme to Square Pegs?)

Yoga is a pretty solitary thing, though, so attending alone is not nearly as intimidating as attending a Zumba class by myself. Also, I discovered the last time that they have the lights out during yoga which makes it even less intimidating.

Last Saturday as I was stumbling around and trying to organize my day in my head, DH said to me, “Don’t you have a gym thing to go to some time this morning?” I had been debating whether or not to go and was going to sluff, but having DH remind me gave me just enough encouragement to go. I love him so much for that.

So I made it to yoga. Checking in at the gym was just like last time; hard to find a spot to park, anxiety about being on time, and feeling like coming home when beeping in with my pass at the desk. When I walked into the classroom at straight-up ten o’clock, the class before was still clearing out, so I could relax as I wasn't late. I found a spot near the back away from everyone else and waited, attempting to calm my mind, in Lotus pose for the class to begin.

It has been about two years since the last time I attempted yoga. It’s my favourite. I really love yoga. It’s challenging, and calming, and I can get my sweat on. It’s peaceful and there’s such a sense of support in the room. It helps me to focus. I’ve noticed that I’m really sensitive to the vibes that other people give off, and the vibe in the room during a yoga practice is always very positive. I love that.

I’ve been feeling very harried lately; like there’s so much to do, no time to do it, and zero down time. I am desperately in need of down time. I’ve been feeling close to snapping lately for no reason at all and it’s because I haven’t been able to turn things off. It was so wonderful to get connected to my breath and try to get all this toxicity I’ve been feeling expressed out of my body. I am terribly out of shape and need to practice a lot more in order to get back to proper form, but it sure felt good to get started on the path.

Check-in

Physically – Terrible. Headache. Tired. Every. Day. I did go to Yoga on Saturday and that was very excellent and challenging and I need to go more often, but I hurt until Wednesday. Yikes.

Emotionally – Not good. I find myself wishing for a car accident or cancer or something just so that I can get some rest. I miss DH even though he's right there. I feel homesick and I'm home.

Spiritually – Not as good as I could be, but I have faith that things will get better. I’m giving a talk in church on Sunday, so I’m hoping to go to the temple in preparation for that. My faith is the only thing keeping me afloat right now.

Goal – My goal last week was to have the neckerchiefs finished. DONE! In fact, I had them done in time for troop meeting on Monday. That felt good.

My goal this week is to hole out in the bathroom downstairs and spend some time playing with beauty products. I desperately need some me time.

Magic Time

Every once in a while the universe will deliver me a gimme. All the planets and stars align to give me that perfect moment. Some time where I can actually sit down and breathe.

The other night the boys did not exhaust me to the point of suicide. They were actually playing together when I got home from work. There was no television, computer or iPods involved; just two little boys on the floor with their Legos, cars, Lincoln Logs, Transformers, and imaginations. I made dinner and no one complained. Dewey, known as The Pickiest Eater Ever to Exist Ever, even thanked me for dinner. Dishes were cleared, homework completed, reading done without incident. There was no button pushing or tattling. Even Orso behaved. After reading Harry Potter, Dewey and DH went to bed and promptly fell asleep. Huey willingly went into his room and read. The house was so peaceful I didn’t know what to do with myself. Leaving Orso content to sit at his post at the top of the stairs, I grabbed a book and read in the front room until I was tired, turned off all the lights, put Orso to bed, told Huey lights out (which he complied) and snuggled into bed with DH who had warmed the bed very nicely.

In addition to this perfect moment, I was wearing my comfortable but cute jeans, my favourite tshirt which is from Princeville, Kauai, HI, fluorescent pink socks that boost my mood, my fuzzy slippers, and a sweater that my mum knitted for herself while she was pregnant with me. My favourite room in the house is our front room. I wanted it to be like a library, so I have decorated it with cozy warm colours. My favourite chairs in the world are in there and the lighting is very soft and soothing.

Lately I haven’t had any time to myself and I’ve been so tired that by the time I get the boys settled down, I crash into bed. My ultimate goal in life as a mother is to have everyone settled down in their beds so that I can have time to myself in the evenings. This doesn’t happen often, I wish it happened more frequently, but maybe if it was more frequent I would take it for granted and not love it so much.

In a nutshell, I wanted to describe to you the perfect evening and celebrate the fact that it actually happened.

Tell me about your day, dear

Sometimes you just have those days. Those days that frazzle you to the end of your mental strength and all you can do is laugh for fear of crying. For me, the “things” tend to multiply like bunnies.

Winter Playlist

Muse – Supermassive Blackhole

Snow Patrol – Chasing Cars

Snow Patrol – Crack the Shutters

Red Hot Chili Peppers – Snow (Hey Oh)

The Verve – Bittersweet Symphony

Depeche Mode – Black Celebration

Chalk Circle – April Fool

Grapes of Wrath – Misunderstanding

Rose Chronicles – Awaiting Eternity

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah – Blue Turning Grey

The Cure – A Forest

Yeah Yeah Yeahs – Maps

Foreigner – Cold as Ice

Prince – Computer Blue

Peter Murphy – Cuts You Up

Garbage – Stupid Girl

James Vincent McMorrow – Ghosts

Morning Parade – Headlights

Lykke Li – Possibility

The Thompson Twins – Hold Me Now

The Icicle Works – Whisper to a Scream

Weezer – Island In The Sun

House of Pain – Jump Around

The Smiths – Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me

Civil Twilight – Letters From the Sky

Eurythmics – Love is a Stranger

Wet Wet Wet – Love is All Around

Deathcab for Cutie – Meet Me On The Equinox

The Breeders – No Aloha

Editors – No Sound But the Wind

Echo and the Bunnymen – People are Strange

The Smiths – Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want

Muse – Resistance

Kate Bush – Running Up That Hill

Beastie Boys – Fight For Your Right To Party

Nirvana – Smells Like Teen Spirit

The Smiths – Unhappy Birthday

Annie Lennox – Whiter Shade of Pale

The Sundays – Wild Horses

Eurythmics – You Have Placed a Chill in My Heart

A Silent Film – You Will Leave a Mark

Snow Patrol – You’re all I Have

Elton John – Your Song

Altered Image – Happy Birthday

General Public – Tenderness
Horny Toads - Shiver

Check-in

Physically – Well, I’m not dead. In the past week I have been to the gynecologist, the dentist, and had a mammogram. I am very glad all that is taken care of and out of the way. I’m a little sick of appointments. I have a headache, which has caused some weakness on the Dr. Pepper/fast food front. Now that I am done with that prescription and I’m at the beginning of a new month, I’m going to be better, I just know it. Since the new dose of thyroid medicine, I’ve stayed below 170, so that’s good. I’m also tired due to headache and not sleeping properly because of caffeine and weird dreams.

Emotionally – I can’t think of the word. I want to say “burned out” but “in need of a mental vacation” is more like it. There just seems to be so much to do and so much going on and I can’t turn my brain off and I’m starting to get too stressed out. I have a lot going on in the back of my mind and don’t have the time to bring it to the forefront and deal with it. The weather is making me happy, though.

Spiritually – Grateful. Safe. I feel like a lot of my prayers have been answered and I feel really blessed and taken care of right now.

Goal – Last week was a major fail. I part way justified my non-gym attendance because I took Orso out for a walk, but not really.

This week’s goal is to get all of Huey’s troops’ neckerchiefs sewn and finished before the spaghetti dinner.