Monday, February 11, 2013

Spinning Wheels; Round and Round

I have found myself from time to time wishing for an accident or an illness just so I can have some down time. I find myself wishing and dreaming for an extended absence so that I can sort my brain out, or turn it off, or get some rest. You would think that this time of year would be a good time to have nothing to do, but I’ve been really busy lately just with regular life stuff. I feel like I’ve been spinning my wheels; working and working and working and getting nothing done. I guess the wishing for the time off would be an excuse for getting nothing done.

I yearn for quiet, for peace, for nothingness; to run away where no one needs me for anything.

Sometimes I wish that I was manic depressive instead of just depressed so that I could have those manic episodes so that I could go and go and go and be totally obsessed by something enough to work at it until it’s done and not have to sleep or take a break or anything because I’m tired.

I also wish that I could be a vampire for similar reasons. If I was a vampire I wouldn’t have to have any down time – I wouldn’t get too tired, so I could get things done. Imagine all the free time I could have if I didn’t have to sleep!

I’ve been so tired lately. I don’t know if it’s because of the change in medication, the time of year, the weather, or my brain chemistry. My brain has just been going and going and going and I can’t get it to stop. It’s like my brain has been running full steam ahead on this hamster wheel and I can’t get it to stop. It's exhausting.

Usually writing helps with this, but I haven’t been able to concentrate long enough to focus on one thing to write about. It just seems to be a gobbeldy gook of random everything. I’m thinking about everything all at once and I can’t organize my brain and I can’t tune anything out and the noises in my head….

Imagine yourself, standing in a dark room and you are the only thing lit up. You are reading a long list like a to-do list out loud. Now imagine twenty-five thousand of these images all with different lists. That’s what’s going on in my brain; except it’s me, not you reading the to-do list. I can’t turn my voices off.

I have also discovered that I am very sensitive to the feelings of others. I’ve always sort of known that, but I have realized that this is not just empathy – this is something more. When others are worried or stressed, it stresses me out too; I can physically feel it.

I need to recognize the warning signs. I’ve been feeling so harried and worried and wishing for a tragedy so that I can take time off. It all took its’ toll on me on Sunday and I had a break down. To the point where I was worried that DH was going to have me committed and I didn’t mind because I could really use the break.

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