Monday, December 3, 2012

Fat Pants

Anyone familiar with the concept of fat pants? They’re the pants you wear when you are not at your best weight.

I never had to do this. I never got bloated with my period. My weight never fluctuated. I was never overweight. I never struggled with my weight or had body issues or anything like that. I never had to diet. Ever. I was 5’ 8”, 125 lbs and a size 5 since grade 10.

Feel free to hate. Seriously. I hate me too. I was lucky to be born that way. To add insult to injury, I also had beautiful long, thick, naturally wavy hair.

I also had no boobs, hips or a waist. I was built like a boy.

Sorry, this post is going in a direction I was not intending.

What I was trying to say is I was always able to wear the same clothes all the time. I didn’t have a “fat” wardrobe, or a “bloated” wardrobe. I just had my clothes and they fit the same all the time. I’ve always been able to eat whatever I want whenever I want wherever and however much. I had a great metabolism.

The last five years have not been that way. Due to major stress and a massive hormone imbalance I have packed on the pounds. I am officially “overweight” on the charts, which is a first. I weigh more now than I did when I was pregnant.

After forty years of shoving whatever I felt like into my face I have to be conscious of what I put into my body. This is not easy. I have never had to have any kind of nutritional discipline and it’s hurting my head to try and learn how to eat properly. I’m trying to learn as much as I can so that I can teach my boys how to eat healthy and have healthy habits instead of the habits I let myself have.

I have always resisted having a “fat” wardrobe. You know, the clothes you buy to tide you over until you lose the weight? I always felt like that was giving in. I do not deserve new clothes until I can fit into the ones I already own. Wearing uncomfortable ill fitting clothes is punishment for being overweight.

Three years ago I was at my top weight of 175 and nothing fit. It physically hurt to wear my jeans. I gained all that weight drinking Dr. Pepper and eating Hagen Daas while Dewey was going through cancer treatment. I finally gave in and bought a couple pairs of size twelve jeans to tide me over until I could get the weight off. It took a year, but I did get rid of fifteen pounds. I folded up those jeans and put them in the back of the closet and went out and bought some skinny jeans to celebrate.

I only kept the weight off for six months. It's become so bad that I have had to pull those jeans out of the back of the closet. I am relieved to have something that fits, but I am very saddened to have failed at keeping the weight off.

Hopefully this is only temporary and I will be back in the skinny jeans soon.

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